Playing naked in Irene

You may or may not know this but the east coast just got spanked by a bitch named Irene. She tore through coastal town after coastal town, and quite a few not so coastal towns, ensuring that half a million women were unable to blow dry their hair this morning. So yes, there are now half a million women running around with dishevled hair. Another sign of the end of times. With winds topping 100mph here in Connecticut bushes and trees lay flat as their leaves whipped through the air. The Atlantic swelled and ate entire houses and beach fronts. By yesterday afternoon roads were impassable and the trees left standing loomed over post storm rubber neckers. Hurricanes. They’re scary. They’re dangerous. People lose their homes and loved ones. When we get the word that one is headed our way we clean up our yards, board up our windows, pack an emergency bag, and wait for the word to evacuate.

Irene hit the coast of Connecticut while most of us were still sleeping and continued to romp around until almost lunchtime. So glad she didn’t stay for lunch. As the minions and I did our best to occupy our time indoors, play hide and seek and making dinosaurs out of play dough and me desperately trying to start drinking at 8am, we suddenly noticed what looked like a large black flag flapping in the window by the table. “Mommy! Look!” exclaimed Theo. Upon closer observation I recognized the black flag…it was in fact the grill cover evidently that’s what happen’s when you ‘forget’ to actually tie the cover down. “Stay inside minions, mommy will be right back. STAY!” and out I ventured to the back yard.

As I was pulling the remainder of the cover off the grill I hear, “Mommy! What are you doing?” It was Theo…in his transformers pajamas with no shoes coming around the corner of the house leaning at about a 45 degree angle into the wind. Before I could get two words out I hear “Mommy! This is fun!” And just then Pheobe comes sauntering around the corner as if it were any other Sunday morning in August. And she was dressed for the occasion. There she was, all 2 and a half feet of her, smiling ear to ear wearing nothing but Theo’s flip-flops.

As I rushed them both back inside I was once again reminded that she is in fact 100% my daughter and that I really need to start locking both of them in some sort of dog crate when I venture out into inclement weather.


Brandi’s “Gold-Digger” Birthday Wish List

My birthday is in two days. Yes, you may cheer. I did. And now I suddenly find myself single just in time to be able to get nothing from any sort of significant other. This may be a good thing. I hate having present expectations and then being disappointed. This series of unfortunate events made me start thinking, if I did have a significant other and I was a gold digger, what would my birthday list look like?

Usually my list consists wine, vodka, breakfast in bed, and dildos. See a theme starting? I’m not one to ask a lot for myself on any occasion and money is never a priority unless its for bills. So just for a minute,I want to pretend that I am a money hungry ‘Real Housewives’ kind of gal and make a new list. So if there are any SINGLE millionaires reading this pay attention because you either have 2 or 367 days to buy me at least one thing on this list.


  1. A horse. I wanted one so bad when I was a kid. I took riding lessons for years and loved the feeling of being one with such a powerful animal. Might as well add a barn and riding ring to it. You can’t have one without the other and have it make sense.
  2. One of those houses on a private island off the coast of Maine. Not a big house I have a hard enough time keeping 1200 sq ft clean just a small cottage type with a covered deck and wooden rocking chairs. It would also be nice if it came with Fernando. ( House Boy Named Fernando )
  3. A real tiara. With diamonds and other fancy jewels. I have two fabulous plastic ones. One of which currently resides on my head in celebration of my birthday. I always fancied myself queen. Not a princess, QUEEN…..but I’d settle for duchess if need be.
  4. Spending my birthday week in a European castle where I can sleep in one of those huge canopy beds surrounded by drapes. Every morning I want to wake up to a fresh fruit plate and real dark european coffee that wakes you up before you even take a sip. I almost added this in with #4, the tiara, because queens need castles.
  5. A mold of Mike Rowes penis. I’m sure he’s quite well endowed and I would enjoy it. Either way, its Mike Rowe’s penis. It needs no more explanation. *side note: it would be best if it were made of glass*
  6. A Jaguar. I’m not picking about the model, but it has to be old school with that classic Jaguar shape. And it has to be black with cream interior, leather interior. There is no way I’m letting the minions in this thing. It’s mommy’s car only. It will stay clean and pristine.
  7. A house built into a hill. Not ON the hill, IN it. I want people to drive by and say, “Wow, that’s a pretty hill,” when actually….its a house. With little domed skylights to let sun in. And it needs to be solar powered. I really don’t feel like going through another power outage. Those of you with kids know what a major pain in the ass it is in the winter when it gets dark at noon to keep them occupied and happy during a storm with no power. I would rather stick tooth picks in my eyes.
  8. A monster truck. It’s what every good redneck girl needs. I would mainly use it to go to the grocery store. No good parking spots? No problem. I park on top of someone. Problem solved.

And that’s it. I think its fair, I mean if I were with a millionaire. All those little things like flowers, pastries, and jewelry would be an every day kind of thing. Because that’s what dating someone with tons of money is like. That’s how they do it on tv, so that must be how it is in real life.

So if any of you know of any decent looking single millionaire men who like tattooed, loud mouthed, mommies send them my way! This mommy deserves some extra lovin’ for her birthday!

Love Lost Is Never Forgotten

I found love last year. True love. And it was beautiful. And now its over. All those feelings, all those emotions, all those words…gone. Now they are all nothing but a memory. This mommy now finds herself treading water and looking over the horizon for dry land.

I don’t know if my love will return and I don’t know if I will find a love as great as the one that left. My only choice now is to push forward and find steady ground where my kids and I can grow.

My emotions come in waves. I feel a bit bipolar. One minute I’m laughing and the next, crying. Conflicting feeling of joy and grief come and go faster than high way traffic. I’m standing here confused with the world swirling around me. I know that this too shall pass, but for now I oddly bask in the hurt coupled with fear….and maybe some joy. I think its that very tiny piece of joy that enables me to bask. I don’t know where it comes from or what it is, but its become something to hold on to. My little light at the end of the tunnel.

I need this time alone (as much alone time as one can get with 2 kids). My kids need this time. By next year it will be just the 3 of us. No BF. No donor. Just us in this little town in Connecticut hours away from family. Everyone around us will have left. But we can do this. We will move on. We don’t have a choice.

To my love, thank for all the happy times. The comfort. The joy. The peace of mind. The companionship. The love. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You are still, and will always be, my friend. Thank you.

T-Minus One Week

My 32nd birthday is a week from today.

That’s right, I’m going to be 32, and I’m not ashamed to say it! I love my 30’s. I’ve never felt sexier and more alive. I feel as if I live an entire lifetime each year. I keep learning new things about the world around me and myself.

I’ve learned to breath.

I’ve learned the importance of true friends.

I’ve learned my minions are the air I breath.

I’ve learned to love fully.

I’ve learned to let go.

I’ve learned that there are some things in life you can’t change no matter how hard you try.

I’ve learned that lying to yourself only delays the inevitable.

I’ve learned to move on.

And when I turn 32 next Saturday I will say good bye to this life time and move on to the next, taking those lessons with me to build on. With so many things in this world that are unsure, I am sure of three things. I am sure that I have the power to make things better. I have the power to be happy. I have the power to love and be loved.

I am going to embrace this next year and really make it count. Happy birthday to me! Now how’s making me a cake?

Ten Things

I’m totally not good at blogging under pressure. It makes me vomit a little in my mouth to tell you the truth. But when @VivInterrupted tagged me in a post and threw down the gauntlet to tell everyone 10 things about me that maybe most people don’t know, I picked it up and gladly excepted the challenge! So here it is my small band of loyal readers, 10 things about me you may or may not want to know about your truly.

1. I am control freak. I try like crazy to keep it under control but it usually only ends up making me…well…a crazy person. I start to obsess over silly little things and blowing them way out of proportion. This causes me to get clingy and emotional. In short, a crazy person. Poor BF has experienced this first hand, and I owe him a million “thank you’s” for dealing with me so well and”I’m sorry’s” for every crazy thing that has flown out of my mouth.

2. I really am NOT a cook. My father said it best when  said, “She can’t even cook a bologna sandwich.” I can make one hell of an omelet from scratch but everything else really does require a detailed recipe that is easy to read and leaves little room for error. Example: the other day I made red chicken that tasted like mold. So yeah, figure that out in your brain.

3. I have a hard time taking sips of any kind of drink, hot or cold. It’s like my own personal little race against myself. As if I have to drink whatever it is as fast as humanly possible. I was awesome in drinking contests once upon a time.

4. I have a slight obsession with sex toys, complete with a ‘Mommy’s Toy Box’ full next to the bed. I like how they feel. I like the spice they bring to the bedroom. I like how they look. To me, they are works of art.

5. I dislike babies. They smell horrible and don’t sleep nearly enough for my liking. When I see new moms with their new borns my ovaries don’t ache for a baby, they rejoice in the knowledge that we never have to do that again! I had my two, did the whole co-sleeping thing, breastfed until my nipples fell off, wore them everywhere I went (still do), and loved every coo and first giggle. I even like swooning over everyone else’s babies, but if I found out I was pregnant again I would walk myself straight to the looney bin and find a nice padded room to rock in.

6. The B.R.A.T. (bananas, rice, apple sauce, toast) diet was created, not for people with the stomach flu, for me. I could live off it’s bland goodness every day for the rest of my life and feel like I was in heaven while doing it. Also, the B.R.A.T. diet goes great with a nice Pinot.

7. I am a huge fag hag. I would much rather have a bunch of gay men as friends than a bunch of women. At least when I’m being a cranky bitch they’ll tell me before they tell everyone around me.

8. At the age of 31 I finally got a college degree. It is a simple associates degree in general studies, but in 5 more months I will have another one just like it in liberal arts and sciences. And if my military education benefits hold out long enough, I should finally have my bachelors in 2013 when I am 33. Boo Yah bitches! *chest bump*

9. My sisters and I have the same dad but different moms. My brother and I have the same mom but different dads. We all grew up very differently, even my brother and I living in the same house, but we are 8 years apart which is more or less a lifetime when you are kids. Despite our differences in backgrounds and family lives, we have all intertwined nicely into the all new ‘American Family’ even though we have never all been in the same room at the same time or all met. They are my support more than they’ll ever know.

10. I don’t hold much back when it comes to my personal life. I learned at an early age, while in boarding school, that the more you hold back, the more room people have to spread rumors about you. My life is eclectic, complicated, unique, daring, and far from ordinary. I couldn’t make this stuff up, from losing my virginity in a sand box under a slide to conceiving my son in a gay bar with a straight man. And that’s me. And I tell it like it is. I can guarantee that my real life is much more interesting and elaborate than any rumor anyone can make up.

So there you go, my 10 things. Judge me if you will, but I’m like a train wreck and you just can’t look away. So I guess this means I need to tag some of my favorite bloggers and throw the gauntlet down at their feet. It’s your turn my fabulous bitches, what are 10 things we don’t know about you?






The Reset Button

The Reset Button

All of the electronics in your house have one.

Most cars have one.

And believe it or not, you have one too.

And when someone presses it, you feel AMAZING! It’s like you have a new leash on the madness going on around you. It’s better than coffee damn it! It’s what you need, you crave it. More than sex? Eh, doubtful.

I dare say that despite the absolute craziness that goes on around BF and I we have a pretty good life. Those of you that know us personally are thinking to yourselves, really? “I wouldn’t trade my life for theirs even if they offered it on a silver platter!” Our exs give us problems daily and we are both complete lunatics. I OVER think everything and he UNDER thinks everything. He farts on me, and I burp in his face. I want life to revolve around comical satire while he wants life to revolve around patriotism. He’s Garth Brookes to my Miranda Lambert. And that’s how we go about our days. Our friend Nicole even dared to say that we are “The most real couple she knows.” Oh Nicole, if only you knew sweetheart, if only you knew!

How does this happen? How do BF and I continue life in our happy little bubble, as we call it, with all our differences and craziness? Two words: Reset Button. Somehow, despite some of our extreme differences, we ended up with the same button. It’s called Pemaquid, Maine, also known as my hometown. It’s nestled up in John’s Bay about halfway up the coast. When we’re up there we are surrounded by water and trees, as well as a no-longer-working demolition derby car and enough lobster traps to build a small house.

View From My Parent's House

And we’re lucky enough to have a free place to stay benefit of staying with my parents that also comes with babysitters another benefit of my parents. Not that going out is top of our list while we’re there. I mean, who needs to go out when you can sit and have a beer with a view like that? Not to mention the ‘open air’ bathroom at the opposite end of the deck, aka: where no one can see you pee. On our visits BF is usually put to work clamming, lobstering yes on an actual boat, or weed wacking.

BF & My Dad Digging Clams

All the while BF has a huge shit eating grin on his face as he intently goes about whatever task is thrown at him because he knows that at the end of the day, whatever he is doing is going to have great reward at the end. Maybe it means the freshest steamed clams you’ve ever tasted, or as much lobster as your belly can hold. Or maybe even something as simple as sitting by the water in the early evening with an ice cold beer watching the sun set over the tree tops.

The Fruits Of BF's Labor

And this is where BF and I press our reset buttons and rediscover the wonders of life and each other. Where our worries melt away as our minds are refreshed with the scent of the salt air and bug spray and the mouth watering taste of fresh off the boat seafood.

BF standing in the front yard talking With My Dad...Who's on the boat.

This morning at 8am, as we drove up Rt 27 listening to the local Ford dealership on the radio encourage people to come trade in their old manure spreaders for a brand new F150,  our reset buttons were pressed. We laughed until we cried as BF did his best Main-ah impression. We were officially in Maine. Vacationland: ‘The Way Life Should Be’. And now, as we sit on the deck watching the tide roll out and dodging humming birds we were sitting too close to their feeder I say to you this: If you don’t yet have a reset button, go find one. And reset it often; because beneath all the chaos and drama of life is harmony, and it’s closer than you think. Cheers.

Cheers to the Reset Button!

An Affair To Remember

Your smell lingers in the air like the scent of heaven after you leave the room.

I long for the warmth of your touch and your strong embrace.

When I finally see you its as if you never left.

I close my eyes and feel you on my lips.

Taste you on my tongue.

And then I take you in my mouth.

All of you.

You fill it with a familiar comfort.

The taste of you explodes as you slide down my throat.

As you leave my mouth, I lick my lips.

I need every drop of you.

I crave our early morning affair as we sit together in the dim morning light.

You, and no other, make me feel alive.

It’s you coffee, that I could never live without.

I think I love you.