My Little Man Turned 5

This past Sunday marked my 5 year anniversary of being a mommy was my little man’s 5th birthday. It’s hard to believe that I somehow managed to keep this kid alive for 5 years! especially after I shot him in the face the other day. The poor little guy has been dragged through so much shit with me as his mother, yet so far he seems a little emotional at times relatively unscathed. Every day I look at him I am amazed at how much he has changed from that first time I looked into his big brown eyes.

My little man has gone from a baby with no neck he slightly resembled the Michelin Tire guy to this long lanky…..boy. Like a real boy. He now has a fully developed attitude complete with a New Yorker’s temper. He was born in New Jersey so I am in no way surprised by this. He likes to steal his sister’s toys when her back is turned and taunt her with threats of locking her in her bedroom. She usually retaliats by punching him in the head.

I still can’t believe that I made such an amazing little human being. Someone who has the compassion of an adult. Someone who hugs his sister behind my back to show her he cares. Someone who notices when I cry, but never calls me out on it in front of people. Someone who makes me proud every single day for being such a unique individual at such a young age and being proud of it. I love you with all my heart Theo. Happy birthday.

Mommy! You Shot Me In The Face!

I understand that I am an unconventional mom. I encourage the minions to get dirty and play in the mud. Shit, I call them minions! I let them figure out ’cause and affect’ on their own. We all participate in pants off Friday, underwear still on. We have random dance parties and the occasional popcorn dinners in front of a pay-per-view movie. And the list goes on and on. Despite all the times I want to eat my children or sell them on the black market just for a moment of quiet, I’m actually a very attentive mom.

I may not be the strictest mom its hard to be when you’re a single mom but I am very observant almost to a fault. I usually know where the minions are and what they’re doing. I’ve perfected the art of stealth and can observe their goings on without them knowing. I don’t let them out of my sight other than at home or homes we visit often. It’s safe to say that I am an over protective mom when away from our ‘comfort zone’. After 5 years of mommyhood I am proud to say that I haven’t accidentally killed my children or left them to any situation that may result in a life altering injury. That was until today.

As parents we get lackadaisical and start doing things that we don’t normally do because those little bastards our kids have shown that they know better or we should know better (parents are never wrong). So that’s how my morning started. While we were outside waiting for Theo’s bus, the usual was going on…

 

*REMINDER: We live above an old gas station complete with a mechanics garage and used boat yard.*

 

……the minions were climbing in and out of small boats, pointing out letters on the gas pumps. Did I mention that I’m a bit unconventional? And then all attention shifted to the garage, especially the compressed air  So when Theo said, “Mommy, does the air still work?”

*side note: We have turned the air on many times before.*

“Well let’s find out!”

“Ok mommy!”

Did you know that minions can move faster than the blink of an eye? If you didn’t, now you know. You’re welcome. As I went to turn on the air both minions were standing off to the side. By the time it turned on Theo was standing, face first, in front of the air nozzle. Both minions turned around and ran crying when the blast of air came out. No big deal right? Right! Not until Theo turned around looking like he had been shot in the face with buck shot.

His face was covered in little rust colored dots! My first reaction, “It’s drizzling out, it’s just rusty water.” Think again mommy! Those little rusty spots were actual shards of rust stuck in his face!!!

*side note: its really hard to stay calm when your first born has shards of metal imbedded in his face*

Needless to say, Theo missed the bus and we went to the emergency room to make sure none of the rust got into his eye. I can’t believe that I actually put my child in that position. He could have lost an eye for crying out loud!!!! I almost blinded my son!!! Yikes!!! The entire way to the ER all he kept saying was “Mommy, you shot me in the face!!!”

*side note: NOT an easy thing to explain to doctors after your 5 yo makes that statement*

Already long story short, Theo came out of the ER with a clean bill of health. The little bastard guy somehow managed to close his eyes in time before all the rust blasted his eye balls. So yeah, my day started out with a severe bad mom moment. Since then I Theo has reminded me that I ‘shot him in the face’ and made it very clear that I am no longer allowed to turn on the compressed air while the minions are outside.

*side note: I am very surprised that I wasn’t put in time out for the rust blasting. Mommy wins?*

An Unsuspected Angel

There are some people who come into your like a whirl wind. They come in so fast and so strong that you actually find yourself standing there wondering why. Why did this person start responding to your tweets? Why did this person friend you on FB? Why should you even care about anything this person does?

And you can stand there asking yourself those questions all day, every day but it’s never going to get you any where. Even if you’re not a Twitter or FB person I know you’ve encountered these people. They come in like a tsunami and as fast and strong as they’re there, they’re gone with nothing but a memory behind them.

And this is where I find myself at this moment, standing in the wake of JS. She came into my Twittersphere out of nowhere a few months ag, almost immediately acting as my own personal cheerleader. I’m sorry to admit that I was a bit sceptical about this at first, but changed over time. There were things going on in my life that involved stalkers and an emotional roller coaster of a relationship that made me skeptical of everyone around me. But JS stayed strong. She enjoyed every blog post I did and responded to my early morning tweets as loyally as my coffee pot brews in the morning.

The past few weeks I’ve noticed that JS’s tweets have been few and far between…actually I hadn’t heard from her in about 2 weeks. As any good tweep would do, I went to go stalk her Twitter timeline, and this is what I saw, “Was nice knowing some of ya!!!! 36 more hours. Just 36….”. I should mention that this is a woman who put forth amazing effort to find a woman who had helped her relax on a flight this past January. She had put forth an amazing effort to find one single person who had simply calmed her down just so she could say thank you.

And she accomplished that. She found that woman she had met on the flight 9 months ago, she found her guardian angel. My hat goes off to JS and her efforts to give one person a simple ‘thank you’. All this effort and heart made me proud to know her, but also broke my heart today when I found out that JS was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer.

She thought she had nothing more than simple bronchitis, but upon further testing it was discovered that JS does, in fact, have cancer. Evidently JS has decided to spend the rest of her life volunteering her time to help other people, to spread the joy of life, instead of getting treatment which she believes will not cure her. This is a woman who has spent months telling me about the strength that she received on one flight from one woman. She has been telling me almost daily about how she has always been looking for that strength but had never found it until January.

This woman who never seemed to fully believe in herself suddenly seems to have felt the freedom of life. As long as I have ‘known’ her she has called herself ‘boring’ and never given herself any credit. But what I see is an amazing woman’s journey from caterpillar to butterfly. Yes JS, faced with death, you have found yourself and your purpose. You are going to change the lives of so many in your final adventure. Please know that you have already touched my soul before this final adventure has even started.

You give the woman on the flight so much credit for being such an inspiration, but please know that your amazing acts on this final adventure are an inspiration to some many more than just one person. I wish you all the happiness and joy throughout this final adventure. Please know that your story of hope and determination will live on through me. You are truly more amazing than you give yourself credit for, I hope you realize this soon. God speed and God bless.

The Memoirs of Mommy Undressed

I have the pleasure, used very lightly, to be taking an American Literature class with a bunch of…um…interesting human beginnings, one of which reminds me of a little boyfriend I had when I was 18 and in my first semester of college. Let me elaborate, he fancies himself rebellious and mysterious yet well read. AKA likes to blow smoke up your ass. He claims to have read all the great American authors and criticizes their work in a very generic cliff notes fashion. He saunters into our first class wearing a cheap cross earring that almost touched his shoulder and dressed all in black with the sleeves cut off of his t-shirt. Yesterday he walks in with the same damn earring but looking more like Don Johnson’s body double in Miami Vice. This douche bag kid is my definition of a typical 2nd year college student. He has just enough knowledge to have an opinion but not enough know differently from that one way he was taught.

So imagine my reaction when he declared yesterday, “People shouldn’t be able to write memoirs unless they’ve done something great.

Ha!

My response, “I gave birth to 2 children, I think that’s pretty great.”

“Millions of women have given birth, that’s not great.”

Ha!

This douche bag kid has obviously never pushed 7 pounds of human through 10cm…or known anyone willing to talk about it who has. So sit down douche bag, I’m about to tell you all the GREAT things I’ve done as a mommy and why my memoirs will rock your thrift store rebel earring off.

1. I shit out, not one, but 2 7-ish pound humans…without pain meds. I bet you cried when they stuck the needle through your ear.

2. I let both those humans hold my nipples hostage for months as they sucked the life out of them. Through all the chaffing, the thrush, the biting…I sat there for hours so that those 2 humans could grow and thrive. Nothing else was doing this for them, it was all me.

3. I read “The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubans” out loud 5 nights in a row last week. Side note: children’s books should not be more than 15 to 20 pages long. I swear that fucking book is 1000 pages long. Fuck you Dr. Suess.

4.Recently there are meal times where I didn’t eat so that my humans could, just to make sure they had enough. Which makes the fact that I haven’t eaten them yet equally as great.

5. I’m a full time college student, working 25 hours a week, living over 5 hours away from any family, and doing it all on my own…with a $3000/a month budget…in Connecticut. AKA: Crazy Person Single Mom

6. 75% of the time I look as if I’ve been dressed by an angry mob of lesbians but I somehow still manage to keep my sex appeal. It helps that most of the men I’m around all day are heavily drugged…or at least that’s I want to believe.

7. Even in my 30’s  I still fuck like a porn star…well that’s not really true, and I’m not about to prove it. But it sounded good.

8. 90% of my time I make meals that my kids are actually willing to eat. They probably don’t know any better. Side note: In the words of my father, “Brandi doesn’t even know how to cook a bologna sandwich.

So there you have. I think I’m pretty fucking great. So top that douche bag kid. Let me know how many great things you’ve done as a human. I’ll make sure to mention you when my memoirs hit the NY Times best seller list. Mwah!

Divorced and Dancing

It’s official, today the donor and I got divorced…finally. It’s only been over a year. I think its pretty safe to say that by this point the divorce was amicable. We danced a little jig on our way out of the courtroom. It’s hard to believe that I have just become an actual ‘divorce’. With legal paperwork to prove it! I’m almost pretty sure we had his lawyer and the judge a little confused by our antics as we snickered at each other from across the court room and laughed almost uncontrollably the entire time. We were a prime example of the giggle loop gone bad. (Warning: To know the giggle loop is to become part of the giggle loop)

And that’s how the “Vassiliou” chapter of my life ended. Laughing and dancing. Much like it started, just a lot more sober. Is it bad to say I don’t much remember the first few months of my relationship? Pre-marriage that is. So now I feel like I have to sit and reflect. Not really sure what on. In my opinion it really wasn’t a good marriage. We weren’t nice to each other. We fought the whole time. And we both always seemed to be looking for something more than what we were giving each other.

I should add that neither of our families liked the fact that we got married in the first place. My family didn’t like him because he’s a New Yorker …….an asshole…….full of shit……we’ll just leave it at they didn’t like him. His family didn’t like me because I’m a hippy……a bitch……believe in putting my kids in daycare……ok, they just didn’t like me either. All that can put a bit of a damper on a relationship. We also eloped. Oops. So yeah, we were obviously destined for divorce.

I do have to say this though, although I wanted to smash the donor in the head 90% of the time, we made some pretty awesome babies. Little hearts of gold like their mom with little hardcore attitudes like their dad. And they’re good looking on top of it! So at least the donor and I made one thing work…..twice. So everyone join me as we raise a glass and toast to the newest chapter of my life! May we all have the strength to live our lives the way we want and the ability to make it happen. Cheers!