I’m really good a fucking things up. I completely admit it. Good things fall into my lap all the time; all tied up in pretty packages and everything. However, almost as quickly as they land, I push them out and away from me. I wish I could say my reason for doing this is a fear of commitment or a lack of motivation to find happiness. I wish it were that easy. To tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea why I do this.
Hello, good thing. Into the trash you go. Thanks for stopping by.
As most of you already know, I found this really great guy, Craft, in Canada.
Thus proving some good things actually come from Canada. We were planning on meeting up and spending a week together when I brought my kids out to Seattle. I was looking forward to really getting to know him, and spending some “me” time away from my kids. Perfect little package, right in my lap. Vacation. Great guy. Vancouver. Please, and thank you.
Time for some backstory:
My kids go on vacation immediately upon returning from three weeks in Seattle…with my entire family…excluding me.
Craft is still “technically” married. Legally separated, but still “married”.
Shut up, I don’t want to hear from you people.
Add those two factors together, and you suddenly have mom guilt with a side of moral fiber. I tried to fight off these feelings. I kept telling myself it was ok to spend time away from the kids AND have fun. I reminded myself that he was “legally separated”. In the long run, my feelings got the better of me, and I changed my return flight home and vacation dates. I did this without telling him first, instead I told him the next day when we could actually Skype instead of via text. I told him my number one reason was that I wanted to be able to take vacation with my kids when they returned from Seattle. It didn’t make sense to me to pick them up on a Saturday, drive them five hours to my parent’s house, drop them off, and drive all the way home again. I wanted to be able to pick them up, drive them five hours to my parent’s house, and stay there with them. Yes, I also told him about the moral fiber part. Saying I couldn’t, in all good consciousness, spend a week with a man who is still “technically” married. Especially if I have to keep that entire vacation a secret so his soon-to-be ex wife doesn’t find out.
Judging by his reaction, you would have thought I had reached down his throat and ripped out his heart. Almost immediately, he said he had to go and hung up. I knew he would be upset, but I didn’t know he would be THAT upset. I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the night. The next day the texts came pouring in. Saying he was heartbroken and disappointed that I didn’t want to see him. I explained to him that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him, it was that I wanted to spend the time with my kids, and I couldn’t spend an entire vacation “keeping it on the down low”. Alas, that wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He insisted it was because I didn’t want to see him, and I didn’t even want to spend an entire day with him.
So there it stands, no more week long date, and it would appear I have lost someone I thought was my best friend in the process. I think for future “dating” purposes I am going to stick with one of my favorite terms, “keep it simple, stupid.” No long distance. No “in the process of” getting divorced.
Probably one I should have stuck to a LONG time ago. No more men with “complicated” lives. Simple. Maybe that means I am going to be single for a long time, but I’m ok with that. Because right now, my children are my main focus. I may be doing a shitty job trying to find someone to grow with us, but I’m not doing a shitty job as a mother.