My birthday is in two days. Yes, you may cheer. I did. And now I suddenly find myself single just in time to be able to get nothing from any sort of significant other. This may be a good thing. I hate having present expectations and then being disappointed. This series of unfortunate events made me start thinking, if I did have a significant other and I was a gold digger, what would my birthday list look like?

Usually my list consists wine, vodka, breakfast in bed, and dildos. See a theme starting? I’m not one to ask a lot for myself on any occasion and money is never a priority unless its for bills. So just for a minute,I want to pretend that I am a money hungry ‘Real Housewives’ kind of gal and make a new list. So if there are any SINGLE millionaires reading this pay attention because you either have 2 or 367 days to buy me at least one thing on this list.

BRANDI’S “GOLD-DIGGER” BIRTHDAY WISH LIST

1. A horse. I wanted one so bad when I was a kid. I took riding lessons for years and loved the feeling of being one with such a powerful animal. Might as well add a barn and riding ring to it. You can’t have one without the other and have it make sense.
2. One of those houses on a private island off the coast of Maine. Not a big house I have a hard enough time keeping 1200 sq ft clean just a small cottage type with a covered deck and wooden rocking chairs. It would also be nice if it came with Fernando. ( House Boy Named Fernando )
3. A real tiara. With diamonds and other fancy jewels. I have two fabulous plastic ones. One of which currently resides on my head in celebration of my birthday. I always fancied myself queen. Not a princess, QUEEN…..but I’d settle for duchess if need be.
4. Spending my birthday week in a European castle where I can sleep in one of those huge canopy beds surrounded by drapes. Every morning I want to wake up to a fresh fruit plate and real dark european coffee that wakes you up before you even take a sip. I almost added this in with #4, the tiara, because queens need castles.
5. A mold of Mike Rowes penis. I’m sure he’s quite well endowed and I would enjoy it. Either way, its Mike Rowe’s penis. It needs no more explanation. *side note: it would be best if it were made of glass*
6. A Jaguar. I’m not picking about the model, but it has to be old school with that classic Jaguar shape. And it has to be black with cream interior, leather interior. There is no way I’m letting the minions in this thing. It’s mommy’s car only. It will stay clean and pristine.
7. A house built into a hill. Not ON the hill, IN it. I want people to drive by and say, “Wow, that’s a pretty hill,” when actually….its a house. With little domed skylights to let sun in. And it needs to be solar powered. I really don’t feel like going through another power outage. Those of you with kids know what a major pain in the ass it is in the winter when it gets dark at noon to keep them occupied and happy during a storm with no power. I would rather stick tooth picks in my eyes.
8. A monster truck. It’s what every good redneck girl needs. I would mainly use it to go to the grocery store. No good parking spots? No problem. I park on top of someone. Problem solved.

And that’s it. I think its fair, I mean if I were with a millionaire. All those little things like flowers, pastries, and jewelry would be an every day kind of thing. Because that’s what dating someone with tons of money is like. That’s how they do it on tv, so that must be how it is in real life.

So if any of you know of any decent looking single millionaire men who like tattooed, loud mouthed, mommies send them my way! This mommy deserves some extra lovin’ for her birthday!