Dear Minions,

As your mother I am fully aware that you are around germs all day. You are surrounded by all your disgusting filthy little friends day in and day out. You stick your fingers in each other’s noses and touch in each other’s faces. You share cups even after your teachers told you not to, and ‘forget’ to wash your hands after the bathroom. Then you come home and insist on getting in my face and sticking your disgusting little fingers in my mouth. You cough on me. You sneeze on me. And I’m pretty sure one of you just licked me as the other one stuck a finger up my nose. Oh, and look…now I have to go wipe someone’s butt.

Let it be known that mommy has never been a fan of people being in her personal space other than for ‘recreational’ reasons, and all this poking and mucus sharing isn’t helping any. I understand that you have both been sick this past week, and I understand that you have needed extra love, but for fucks sake you really need to back away from mommy’s face before I get *achoo* shit damn hell you little bastards sick. I don’t mind having a nibble of your half eaten potato chip or having a sip of your backwash filled juice because you said you made it yourself, but this crazy illness that you’ve brought home is where I draw the line.

So unless you plan on  giving me my medicine every 4 to 6 hours and getting up with me in the middle of the night, I suggest you keep your grubby little paws to yourself. And if you could please refrain from coughing in my face that would be great too, or I’ll have no choice but to pull a Michael Jackson on you and force you to wear surgical masks everywhere we go. On that note, mommy loves you now and forever.

Love, Mo*achoo* Come here you little demon!