Ok, here’s the deal. I don’t really give a shit what kind of woman you claim to be, or the ‘pedigree’ you come from. The fact of the matter is, at least one time in your life, you have become a psychotic bitch. By saying “at least one time in your life” what I really mean is during times such as menopause, menstruation, divorce, breakups, PPD, deaths of friends and family, the series finale of Desperate Housewives, and vodka driven nights….you know “those” times.

It’s these times where we, as women, find ourselves thinking we’re acting completely rational when in fact the word “rational” is so far from what we have become the word “irrational” can’t even begin to describe us. Some of us turn into blubbering idiots *points at self* while others would be better off in a straight jacket. Hundreds of men’s vehicles have met the ends of car keys and thousands of women’s belly pooch have been grabbed and shaken in the horrified eyes of their partners during these times. We lash out at the closest person to us preferably those of the opposite sex and spurt off all the ways they have been fucking up because its obvious we are perfect or all the ways our bodies can’t compare to the size zero woman you saw on the street earlier who hasn’t come face to face with a cheese burger in 5 years and cries herself to sleep each night because of it.

For those of you who are sitting there reading this saying to yourself, “oh, that’s never been me”, fuck off. You’re lying, please walk away from this blog immediately. It’s part of our nature. We HAVE to turn into psychotic bitches every now and then. This isn’t only to keep men and lesbians on their toes. No, its purpose is much greater than that. If we didn’t have these breakdowns on a regular basis at least once a month men and lesbians would think they’re doing something wrong. This would most likely result in numerous calls to Homeland Security about suspicious behavior in the general vicinity of your house.

The world as we know it would indeed stop. Flower shops across the country would go out of business and greeting card companies would suddenly lose their market in the “I’m Sorry” section. Gift card sales to day spas would plummet and children would be left wondering why mommy is actually laughing all the time. This is the cycle of life. Forget birth and death and that whole mother nature blah blah blah thing. THIS is what drives society. THIS is what keeps card and chocolate shops in business. THIS is why there is such a high demand for spas, nail salons, and $6.99/dozen roses at the gas station down the street.

So ladies, the next time you feel the urge to completely lose your shit…..go for it! Break down. Sob like a banshee and throw a dish or 2 just not directly at people so as to avoid jail time. You deserve it! And the American economy is counting on YOU to guilt encourage your significant other into buying you gifts you wouldn’t necessarily need otherwise. This is why you have such a collection of knick knacks and shoes. Go. Do it. Break down. You deserve it! Going through menopause? Why do you think designer handbag companies and high end jewelry stores do so well during the non holiday season? That’s right my friend, you and your random acts of psychotic bitchiness.

So go ahead ladies, let the tears and dishes fly! If your significant other doesn’t like it, just tell them the American economy and child laborers in third world countries are relying on you to keep food on the table and a roof over their heads. You’re an American, this is your duty.