The First And The Last

There’s something about your first born that will always hold a special place in your heart. You will never forget the moment you first looked into their eyes or their first steps. As they grow up every moment is magical. You’re in constant amazement about what they do, what they accomplish. The first report card. The first art project brought home. Even the first bad report home from school. Life became a magnificent adventure the moment your first born entered the world. When I look at my son every day I see me in him; his facial expressions, his laughter, even his emotions. He is an extension of me, yet so much his own person. Serious and meticulous. Perfectionist and realist. At 7 years old he has already taken on so much of the world. He’s my little soldier who will grow into a wonderful man some day.

Your first born brings you magic, but your last born (regardless of if they’re your second of fifth) will always bring you heart ache. Not the heart ache you feel when you lose a loved one. It’s the heart ache of knowing you will never have these moments again. When you first look into their eyes or watch them take their first steps, it’s the last time you will ever experience those moments again. This little person is trying to catch up with their older sibling so everything goes by faster as if it is a race for the finish line. Each day is a competition of who can be the funniest, the saddest, and get mom’s attention. As you listen to the laughter and dry the tears you want to cherish each moment, but you can’t because they are already two moments ahead of you.

Every time you reach out to hold on to the baby they once were, you’re reminded that you will never have another baby. Your sleepless nights are over, and there are no more diapers to change. No more breastfeeding. No more sweet baby cuddles. You ask yourself if you did everything you could to cherish each of those moments. Question if you will remember them forever. Your heart breaks the more you think of all their firsts that have become your lasts.

This is how I feel every March 19th as my last born turns another year older. I watch her go through the house like a tornado, and it makes me smile as a tear rolls down my face. She’s getting so big. In just 5 short years she has become her own person. So strong. So independent. So damn stubborn. As her once chubby cheeks melt away, a beautiful girl emerges and I want push her back to when she was one. She has a purse full of make up that I secretly want to throw away in the middle of the night and replace with a binky. I want to close my eyes and open them to see a sleeping baby in a crib, not a little girl, with glitter remnants on her face, sleeping on a twin sized mattress.

I can’t believe 5 years has gone by already; that I am five years further away from the baby I first held in my arms. I’ll never get those years back. I’ll never feel that same joy again. Today my heart breaks because my baby turns 5, but today I smile because I have raised that baby to be the little girl she is today. Some day she will grow up to be a beautiful woman next to her handsome brother, and all the magic and heartache will make sense.

 

To My Love On Valentines Day

I know there are mixed feelings for everyone when it comes to Valentines Day. I belong to the group who believes you should show your love every day, not just on that one day in mid February littered with Hallmark cards and chocolate. This year my heart is bursting with love and I want to show my love how I feel today and dedicate it to Valentines Day….even though it is a week early.

To my love on Valentines Day,

Words cannot describe my love for you. How your voice makes me smile even on my darkest days. How your touch brings me warmth when the wind chills my skin. How my heart swells when my name leaves your lips.

Our love is new and we still have so much to learn about each other. What to do when the other is feeling down. How to handle our disagreements. We go through each day growing side by side as we make new discoveries.

There are times when we want to be alone, and times we want to be together. Although they are not always at the same moment we take them in stride and give what we can.

I know our lives are still so separate, and they will be until the time is right, but I hope you always know that no matter what I will always be here for you. Through your tough times and your happy times.

You are my love, my one and only. I will love you today, tomorrow, and all the days following.

Thank you for showing me what true love means, and that good things come to those who wait.

Remember, without some struggle and sacrifice we will never know what true happiness is.

I love you,  always.

Happy Valentines Day.

Chocolate Ecstasy

I need chocolate, honest to go god chocolate.

Dark.

Rich.

Melts in your mouth.

Chocolate that causes your tongue to have an orgasm.

Chocolate that dreams are made of.

Chocolate sent from the gods.

I want a smooth square to pass through my lips as I breath deeply and close my eyes.

I want the wave of bliss to take over my body and make it tingle.

I want to moan as it touches the back of my throat.

I need the excitement of the first bite.

The first taste.

The first moment of ecstasy.

Leave me……….panting.

Leave me……….breathless.

Leave me wanting MORE!

MORE!

MORE!

MORE!

But in all honesty, if someone doesn’t give me chocolate soon and possibly a pound of bacon this bitch is going to lose her shit. PMS has taken hold and it’s not letting go! Gimme, gimme, gimme, or someone is gonna get it, get it, get it.

Enlisted

I blog, duh, and when I do so I may or may not……um……..elaborate tell it like it is. I’m not saying I lie I hate liars , I’m saying I play up certain aspects to get my point across.

For example, I don’t really want to EAT my kids, but I do get frustrated enough that I wish there were another way to get out of the situation at hand. You have to admit that eating your children would be a super easy way out…..all you need is a bbq and some hot sauce.

I love blogging about parenting as much as a single woman loves shopping for designer handbags but I sometimes wish I had started blogging back when I was in the military. Oh the stories I could tell! Granted, most would be about odd and unusual sexual encounters and drunken port calls. I feel my ridiculous expressive use of words would give the common folk average man a humorous look into the military life.

With this being said, I cannot contain my enthusiasm about this new show on television about the ridiculous everyday goings ons of military life. In short, if I were a blogger back when I was an in-shape-bad-ass-chick in the military, I would have written the script for this show.

In short aside from all the hotness in uniform frolicking across my television screen I heart this show like a little boy loves his first Playboy magazine.

It’s The End Result That Counts

Ever since starting my job at my high school alma mater, I’ve wanted an opportunity to work with the students. I’ve wanted to pick their brains about their high school experiences and teach them about life after high school. I finally got the chance this week when I was asked to participate in Ethics Day with the senior class. My role as a volunteer was to bring an ethical dilemma I had encountered in my professional career to present to my group of seniors. The students would then discuss the dilemma with the group, pick apart the situation, and come up with an ethical solution.

I have to admit that, even with all the want and desire to interact with students, I was a bit nervous. Not about talking in front of them, but sharing my unique story. Most of these students come from very well off families and have opportunities many teenagers don’t have. Suddenly I found myself, a single mother raising two small children alone going in front of students looking for guidance, in an ethical dilemma. Fitting, seeing as how I was there to discuss ethics with them. Do I leave out key parts of my adulthood (single parenting, battles with addiction, dropping out of college twice) or do I take the risk and tell it like it is? The parents of these students are expecting the school to give them positive roll models so that their child has a tool box to use so that they can make good decisions. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to back out, simply because I didn’t want the temptation to lie.

Ultimately I  decided to participate while secretly hoping the students wouldn’t ask for specifics about my life. I prepared an ethical dilemma close to my heart having to do with sexual harassment, and presented it to the students. The exercise went very well. They picked my brain about the details. What kind of harassment? What does military protocol dictate in this kind of situation? What did I do when faced with the dilemma? A teenagers view of the world is so different from adults. It was amazing to hear their take on the situation. Their reactions were genuine, some actually showing physical reactions. I saw the pain and sympathy they felt for the victim of the sexual harassment. As adults we learn to hold so much in, sweep it under the rug, and ignore what it really going on.

Chin up. Chest out. Drive on.

As the discussion went on I could see that, even at 17 and 18 years old, it wasn’t the act of sexual harassment they were more worried about, it was the justice that would result. Would the dilemma end happily or would it end in blatant injustice? They pushed through, gaining more understanding than I thought they would. At the end of the discussion they were both pleased and disappointed with the outcome.

After seeing their reactions to everything we talked about I was ready for any “personal” questions they could throw at me….and they did. They asked me about what college I went to. Although it was difficult admitting to a bunch of college bound seniors that I couldn’t handle college directly out of high school, they understood. I explained to them that I burned myself out during high school and that it’s ok to not do every activity possible. I also told them that later, after I joined the military, I came to realize that my issue was not about being burned out or having too much on my plate, but the lack of structure many colleges have. You’re left to your own devices, and have to schedule your own time. Although I struggled with similar issues after leaving the military, I learned how to manage my time and structure my own life into something that helped me be a more productive member in society.

When I told them I finally finished college with two associates degrees at the ripe old age of 32 while taking care of two small children, and that I was hoping to go back this coming fall, they looked as if I just told them I ran a marathon backwards. I almost laughed, not at them, but at myself. For days I had been worried I wouldn’t be a good example of what kind of person the school puts out in the world. I was afraid to let them down, but their reactions told me differently. They saw me as someone who has overcome many obstacles, all the while doing some kick ass amazing things.

I went into Ethics Day hoping to teach the students something useful, but came out with them teaching me just as much. Every once in a while we need to be reminded that there are things we’ve done throughout our lives that have made a positive impact in the world. Maybe it’s because we had kids or because age has made us lazy, but the older we get the less we notice our own individual accomplishments. I never thought a group of high school students who teach me to remember and be proud of just how far I’ve come.

We don’t have to lie about what we’ve done with our lives because, just like the ethical dilemma I gave the students, it’s not about what you are going through, it’s about the end result. Be honest with yourself and others. Learn from what you are going through, and as hard as it may be, try not to make the same mistakes again. Last but not least, tell people your story. We can learn from each other. We NEED to learn from each other because we’re all in this together.