Surprise! Vagina!

Come one, come all!

You are cordially invited to the annual viewing of:

SURPRISE! VAGINA!

Join local doctors and medical interns as they gather around my vagina and discuss labia lengths, cervical displasea, HVP, the effects child birth has on the average American vagina, and so much MORE!

The cold hard plastic duck lips will once again be the guests of honor as they force themselves down the deep, dark cavern to the magical jewel, the cervix. Their escort for today’s viewing will be, once again, hospital grade lubrication.

Please feel free to bring a cotton swab to poke around with, as this is the most anticipated moment of the show.

Curtains will open at 1pm-ish

Unfortunately, alcoholic beverages will not be allowed during the show, but are welcome promptly afterwards.

So, if you’re free; slap on a med coat, grab your PAP kit and prescription pad, and get on down to my doctor’s office. This is an event NOT to be missed! I look forward to seeing you all there!

Breasts-Truth From Lies

Breasts, tatas, pillows, speed bumps, fun bags,mammories, gazongas, melons, titties, chest puppies, chesticles, mosquito bites, rib bumpers, bazongas, udders, air bags, bosom, boulders, hooters, and jugs. No matter what you call them, we all have them.

My breasts. I love them…or I did love them. It’s really a rather difficult thing to deal with, breasts. Once pert and near perfect, they now seem to lack the luster of their younger years. As you grow older, and become a mom, you expect certain things. Like grey hair, you expect them to succumb to gravity a tad, form stretch marks, and keep pace with your growing hind end. As women, we learned about these kinds of things while growing up and watching our mothers. We watched their bodies changed in curiousness as we went through our adolescent years and onto the trauma known as the teenage years. But, just like watching a car crash, it’s never what you expect until it happens to you. That’s exactly what my breasts have become, my own person car crash.

I really thought I was prepared to get older. “It’s a piece of cake!” I thought to myself. I smiled, and accepted my grey hair coming in at a rapid pace and the dimples on my butt. It’s all a part of becoming a mature woman. I was READY damn it! Bring. It. ON! Well, my breasts brought it. They brought it with a vengeance. Over time I suddenly found myself having to sort out the truth from the lies when it comes to your breasts and aging.

  • After you have children your breasts shrink back.
    • Bullshit. They don’t shrink, they grow. They grow as if you have been slathering them with fertilizer. They will indeed grow to unruly proportions so you will no longer be able to see your feet, and may even end up taking over your entire body.
  • One breast will grow slightly larger than the other.
    • I am one bra purchase away from spending a small fortune extra on custom made bras. As it stands now, my left breast is a full two sizes bigger than the right. I have been walking with a port side list for the past two years, and it’s almost impossible for me to lean to the right.
  • Over time, gravity will cause your breasts to sag.
    • It will also cause your nipples to point directly at the bathmat when you get out of the shower, and make you feel as if small demons are swinging from them as they try to rip the flesh from your chest.
  • The weight of your breasts could cause shoulder pain over time.
    • Have you ever carried a five year old on your shoulders for eight hours? Yup, pretty much the same feeling.
  • Breast pain may increase as you get closer to menopause.
    • No shit Sherlock! Although “pain” in not necessarily the general word I would use to describe the sensation I have when taking off my bra during PMS. I might as well turn to Steve and ask him grab a hold of these bad girls and give them an full out yank because that’s what if feels  like when they are “set free”.
  • Breasts may become more tender.
    • I’m assuming this refers to “pain”. Please see above. This is a sore subject for me. Pun intended.
  • Increased sensation.
    • Bread crumbs in your bra become thorns, and the popped under wire…..well you might as well lob that bitch off because that’s exactly what it feels like. On a positive note, nipple sucking in the heat of the moment…..that’s pretty much my most favorite thing on earth now.

As you can see, my breasts and I hate don’t like each other. It’s a daily struggle to maintain the status quo. I curse them as soon as I stand up in the morning to the time I tuck them back into my armpits at night. In turn, they retaliate with pain and uncharted growth spurts. I miss my toes and dream of running down a white sand beach in a bathing suit without fear of injuring those around me. My breasts are a pain in my ass, and if they keep growing I will be able to wrap them around to my actual ass. I can’t wait. Yet as I sit here in a granny bra I can’t help but worry about them. What if I find a lump? What if they get sick? What would I do if I actually “lost” them?

Breasts are a constant battle for women, they’re too big, they’re too small…….my implant popped, etc.. No matter how frustrated they make you, remember, you have to take care of them. Do a self check every month. Let your doctor have a go at them at your physical. Let your partner have a feel for you. Your breasts are the one thing you can’t feel enough! So, as we lumber through the month of October toward winter, whip them out and give the girls some love. Take five minutes to give them a little squeeze and a rub down. If you feel something suspicious, call your doctor. It’s always better to be safe than sorry when it comes to your breasts. Guys, you should do this too. Breast cancer isn’t sexist. Once you’ve given them some love, you can go back to cursing them. I know I will.

 

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Dear President Obama

Dear President Obama,

I am a veteran of the United States Coast Guard. It was the Coast Guard that taught me true love for my country. A service where brotherhood was strong, no mater what your gender, and you learned what it meant to be part of the greater good. I am not a highly religious person, but the Coast Guard taught me that the love of God would get me through the toughest of times. Before I joined a branch of our coveted military, I was wayward and lost. The Coast Guard taught me about structure and how unity can make even the weakest, strong.

I know it may sound strange, but the Coast Guard taught me love. I consider myself a moderate conservative. I believe in gay rights, and women’s equality; but I also believe in the right to bear arms, and putting a stop to illegal immigration. I know that, at one point in time, this country was great. When you first ran for office, the liberal side of me, wanted you to be the change you talked about. I wanted you to make a difference, and make our country even greater than it was. However, the conservative side of me, doubted your ability as a junior politician to lead our country to that greatness.

Today I find myself, a Coast Guard veteran, disappointed in what I see in you. You’re despondent and seemingly uninformed about what is really going on. News stations are reporting that you have attended less than half of your daily briefings. As a military member, I would have been court martialed for a dereliction to duty. I understand you prefer to read what is being presented to you, so that you can have it all in writing. I am also one of those people who prefer to have it all “e-mailed” to me so I have a constant running document of what is said and expected of me. I will not fault you for this.

I have to admit, that I often find myself questioning what my real issues are with you. It’s not that you’re black. It’s not that you are a “junior” politician. It’s not that I feel you truly don’t know what kind of danger this country is in. So what is it? What is it about you that I don’t like? What part of your presidency rubs me the wrong way?

Tonight I sat down to really think about it. I asked myself these questions:

  • What is it about influential bosses in my life that stood out?
  • What did the Coast Guard teach me?
  • What stemmed my original love of this country?

When I actually sat down to think about it, the answer was simple, confidence. Confidence in one’s self, and confidence in ones country. Yet, how does one come upon this confidence? We can’t buy it in a store, and it’s certainly not imported from overseas. So where does it come from?

Our president. Our president is the answer to those final questions. Not once in during your presidency have you given our country, our nation, a pep talk. Not a pep talk about what we have accomplished; a pep talk in what we CAN accomplish. You leave us all feeling unsure and afraid because you can’t give us a straight answer. Our country is young, and naive, we are like children. We need discipline and structure like five year olds do. We want it, we crave it, but what we crave even more is praise. We need to know that we are capable of greater things. We need to be reminded of what made us great once. We need that positive reinforcement you give your own daughter.

So please, President Obama, I ask you to give our beautiful country back her confidence. Reminder how wonderful she is, and what she can accomplish. You have neglected her for too long. She needs your support. She needs to know you believe in her. Stop passing the buck, and show us what you believe we can do. Your lack of support and confidence is ruining this country. The United States of America needs a pep talk from you. We need to believe in us again. It’s up to you to make us strong again. If you fail at this, you fail at your mission as the President of the United States of America.

I Pledge Allegiance I Promise to be faithful and true (Promise my loyalty)
to the flag to the emblem that stands for and represents
of the United States all 50 states, each of them individual, and individually represented on the flag
of America yet formed into a UNION of one Nation.
and to the Republic And I also pledge my loyalty to the Government that is itself a Republic, a form of government where the PEOPLE are sovereign,
for which it stands, this government also being represented by the Flag to which I promise loyalty.
one Nation under God, These 50 individual states are united as a single Republic under the Divine providence of God, “our most powerful resource” (according to the words of President Eisenhower)
Indivisible, and can not be separated.   (This part of the original version of the pledge was written just 30 years after the beginning of the Civil War and demonstrates the unity sought in the years after that divisive period in our history)
with Liberty The people of this Nation being afforded the freedom to pursue “life, liberty, and happiness”,
and Justice And each person entitled to be treated justly, fairly, and according to proper law and principle,
for All. And these principles afforded to EVERY AMERICAN, regardless of race, religion, color, creed, or any other criteria.   Just as the flag represents 50 individual states that can not be divided or separated, this Nation represents millions of people who can not be separated or divided.

Creativity Is A Process Best Served Uniquely

I’m staying home today. Unexpectedly, but I’m home. I drove to work with all intentions of actually working, despite the itch to create something. When I got to work, I worked, had a coffee, worked, blah, blah, blah. Still itching to create something. This may or may not be a common problem on Monday mornings, or all mornings for that matter. Oh well, work must be done so bills can get paid. Yet another morning was going to pass without so much as a hint of fabulous creation coming from my finger tips. My laptop at home will sit cold and dormant, my sewing machine will continue to collect dust, and my drawing pencils will remain unsharpened. I obviously have some sort of creating addiction. Good bye exciting possibility of creating THE thing that will make me famous. *slowly slides off of chair into a dramatic heap on the floor*

*Begin back story* I know I complain a lot some about my kids. It’s kind of a nature thing for parents to do. They’re up too early, they stink, they’re messy, they’re really gross, and they’re loud. You know, the usual. Truth be told, however, I friggin’ love those little bastards. I kiss them in their sleep and hug them every chance I get; but there are some days when I love them so much I could burst. Today, my friends, is one of those days. *end back story*

At 10:30, almost the end of my usual creative urge time, my phone rings. It’s the school and Theo is sick. I have never been so excited to deal with a nauseous child in my life! As I walked out of the office I cheered, “Hooray for vomit!” I’m sure my boss is now questioning why he hired me. So, now we’re home. Little man is in bed fast asleep, and I’m sitting on the couch fondling my laptop with my finger tips. I caught up with reading some other blogs, and have started to lay out a plan of action to better deal with this creative itch. I’m not sure how well my plan will work I often lack follow through, but I need to get this blog going I’ve said that way too many times before. I also need to draw more and have some intimate moments with my sewing machine. Now to tie them all together and become rich and famous. Wish me luck!

To My Son On His Birthday

To my son on his birthday,

It’s still hard to believe that just eight years ago you came into my life. A quiet little baby, you were put into my arms; swaddled and still. I promised you on that day I would do everything in my power to protect you and help you grow into a man. I know it hasn’t always been easy, and we don’t always see eye to eye, but you have been my greatest love. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of how wonderful you are, and how lucky I am to be able to call you “son”. As I watch you grow I worry if I’m doing everything I can to teach you what you need to know, and to give you the love and support you need.

As a mother it is hard to let your children venture out into the world when you’re not holding their hand. What if something happens when I’m not around? Do you know what to do? Have I taught you enough for you to get by? The answer is, I don’t know. It’s not because I haven’t taught you, or that you’re not capable of doing it. It’s because the world is ever changing, and I will never be able to teach you everything there is to know about everything. The best I can do is to teach you the difference between what’s right, and what’s wrong; between love and hate; and to follow what you feel is best. It’s up to you to take what I have taught you, and use it in a way that will help you in any situation you may come across. I won’t always be by your side to guide you and hold your hand. I won’t always be there to kiss you goodnight or hug you good morning. But I will always be with you in spirit.

I know you’re only 8 years old, but I want you to remember these simple rules in life. They may not seem like much now (and not nearly as exciting as a new Lego set) but when you get older, they will get you through some of the toughest times.

  1. Always be yourself. Even if you are wearing a uniform alongside a thousand other people, no one can ever be you.
  2. Know who you really are. This may be one of the most difficult things in life to master.
  3. You’re not always right. When you’re wrong, admit it. Admitting you’re wrong is one of the bravest things you can ever do.
  4. Love with your whole heart. It’s going to hurt like hell when you lose love, but you can’t let that stop you from loving completely.
  5. Compliment often. Too many people in this world are too concerned with themselves, and don’t take the time to let others know they care.
  6. Appreciate those around you. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but life is short. You never know when the person next to you will be gone.
  7. Be grateful for what you have. Always want the best in life, but don’t ever lose sight of everything you already have. Life itself is a gift, remember that.
  8. Say “Thank You”. It doesn’t matter if someone gave you a gift or just dusted a fly off your shoulder, say “thank you” and smile.
  9. Never forget where you came from. You can never change it, and it is what makes you who you are.
  10. Say I love you, even when you’re mad. When you wake up (because bringing in a new day with those you love is wonderful), when you go to bed (because one of you might not wake up the next morning), and most importantly, before you leave for the day (because death can come in the blink of an eye, it may be the last thing you ever say to them).

You are becoming such an amazing young man. I hope these rules will help guide you to be even more amazing. Never give up on yourself or stop believing you make a difference. I will love you to the end of time, and back. Happy birthday.

Love always,

Mommy

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Compliments-Pass It On

I have a rule in life, compliment sincerely and compliment often.

We live in a fast paced world that never looks up. Everyone is either too busy or has their nose in some sort of electronic device. We have become self absorbed; distracted by online videos and social media. As we our eyes fixate on the beautiful bodies and scenery dancing across our screens and monitors, we fail to let them fixate on the beauty around us.

When was the last time you looked at your significant other and told them they look good? How about a perfect stranger you passed on the street? It could be something as simple as saying you like their earrings or as unique as you love how their smile lit up the room when they walked in. I used to work in a doctor’s office, coming across cancer patients, pregnant women, the elderly, and every other kind of person. It didn’t matter who they were, what they looked like, or where they were from; I always greeted them with a smile, asked them how they were, and looked for something positive about them. It wasn’t always easy, but 80% of the time I could come up with something.

With almost every compliment I gave out the reply was a look of shock followed by a shy “thank you” and a smile. You would be surprised how much easier a difficult person can be after they are complimented, especially if they aren’t used to it. As time went by, the compliments multiplied. As patients came back for returning visits they would come to my window and compliment me back. The woman in the wheelchair who usually came in complaining about the handicapped parking now came in with a smile saying how nice it was to come in here, and the mom (with two kids in tow) breathed a sigh of relief when I distracted her kids with compliments about they super hero shoes and green magic marker mustache.

One day  co-worker asked me why I gave so many people compliments, and if I really meant them. I told her I didn’t always LOVE their earrings, but there is always something kind of cool about them worth mentioning. As for why I gave out so many compliments, it’s simple: you never know what someone is truly going through. they may have a picture perfect life, or they may be on their shred of hope. Either way, a compliment isn’t going to make their day any worse, the least it can do is carry on that person’s status qua. Besides, a happy person is easier to deal with than a disgruntled person.

We compliment people far to little these days. Now that I have switched jobs, there will be times when it will be two weeks between compliments. I am lucky to be a fairly confident person without a lot of stress in my life, so going a couple weeks without a compliment isn’t going to kill me, but what about that person you’ve never noticed before? How long has it been since they received a compliment?

I make it a point to compliment at least three different EVERY day, not including once a day for my kids and Steve. So, go ahead, try it. Slow down for a second and look up. Compliment someone you pass by. Tell them you like their hair, their necklace, or shirt. If they brush you off, try someone else. Try this three times every day for a week. It might not show, but you just made a positive difference in their life. Besides, there’s no better way to feel good about yourself than helping others feel good about themselves. Happy complimenting peeps! Enjoy!