So here I am, a little touch of redneck, republican, wiccan, prior military hippie, with a pinch of pin-up laying it all out on your computer screen. I don’t sugar coat my life and tell you how it is.
I’m the mother under the pretty dress, the one who tells you all the things you were never told before you had kids.
I was once called “classless”. Can you imagine that? Me? Classless? Well that’s a
fucking shock! When I first heard this I immediately jumped and thought, “Classless???? Who the fuck are you calling classless???? Bitch.” I think I proved her point with that thought alone. After my knee jerk ‘classless’ reaction i started to look at it in a comical way.
I’m a single mother so I HAVE to have a list of
excuses why anyone would ever call me….ME….classless. I hemmed and hawed, thinking I was better than what someone on the outside thought. Then it hit me. Well shit, I my list proves nothing of my single mommy fantasy world. I guess I am classless. So here you go, the list of why I’m classless and why I don’t care.
1. I live above in a
miniature condo where my son lives on the closed in porch.
2. At the ripe old age of 34 I still rent apartments/houses, I’ve never owned.
3. I drive a poorly financed Honda Pilot
grocery getter on steriods.
4. I have been known to lick the bottom of a Doritos bags to get the last of the crumbs.
5. There is absolutely NO rhyme or reason to the decoration in my kid’s rooms. NOTHING matches and most of it is hand me downs.
6. ALL of the frames in my house are from Walmart or the Dollar Tree and probably are held together somewhere with duct tape and/or super glue.
7. I cut my kid’s hair, with no formal training what-so-ever. Therefore they often look like ho-bo children. And no, I’m not afraid to use a bowl!
8. The inside of my car looks like its been through Hurricane Sandy. No joke, its a disaster. My next car will be different. I’ve said that before.
9. I don’t really dust all that often. I hate it.
10. I don’t use paper towels. Haven’t had them in my house for almost 6 years, with the exception of a breach of security from time to time.
11. My dinning room table is old barn planks.
12. The chairs around my table don’t match and are of different heights. One of them isn’t a chair at all, it’s an old boudoir stool.
13. My daughter often looks like the Wild Woman of Borneo because I don’t brush her hair every day. (I choose not invoke Lucifer based on a snarl created by sleeping.)
14. On any given day both my children look like they just crawled out of a dumpster.
15. It is physically impossible for me to keep my house in a state of tidy-ness.
16. My wardrobe is from Walmart, my kid’s wardrobe is from various thrift stores.
17. My idea of fine jewelry is anything from Walmart over $50. BTW, you can get some pretty expensive fun shit from Walmart.
18. I live from paycheck to paycheck.
19. On hot days in the summer I wash my kids in the backyard using a spaghetti pot, shower fluff, and soap….while they’re naked.
20. As a family we enjoy Pants Off Friday and parade around the house in our underwear.
21. I use old butter tubs as tupper wear.
22. ‘My’ glass is a mason jar. I drink all my cold drinks out of it.
23. If my bra matches my underwear it is a complete and total accident, and only happens once or twice a year.
24. I use the words twat and cunt on a regular basis.
25. I enjoy videos of things getting blown up/shot.
26. I have my very own deer hide that my Dad gave me. I asked for it one Christmas.
27. I have had a LOT of sex in my life time and I don’t hide that fact.
28. I am VERY open about EVERYTHING.
29. I’m a ball buster. If you have toothpaste on your face I’m going to tell you that your boyfriend has bad aim.
30. I burp.
31. I fart. In public. And then I giggle.
32. I taught my kids that farts=funny
33. I hang out with the guys and help them pick up chicks.
34. I tell it like it is, flat out, the non-fluffy version. If you suck, I’m going to tell you that you suck and why.
35. I tell racist/religious/sexist jokes. Not because I’m racist/religious/sexist, but because they’re fucking funny!
So that’s what makes me ‘classless’ and who I am. I’m a complete mess! I am so happy and comfortable in my skin. I may have taken the long way to get to where I am today but I wouldn’t change that for the world. Those people who call me classless never get past the dirt, cat hair, and farts to see the fact that I proudly served my country for 7 1/2 years where I stopped drug runners, illegal fishing boats, kept our waterways safe, and shaped over 700 individuals into today’s Coast Guard. They don’t get to see that I actually attended a college prep school for all 4 years of high school where I directed full length plays, sang in a choir, got awarded a music scholarship, made honor roll, made the junior Olympic team for Nordic skiing, worked on the school magazine, and mentored junior classmates. They don’t get to see that as a single parent I put myself through 2 years of college while making the Dean’s List, got invited to join the honors society, and finally graduating. And most of all, they are so concerned with judging other people, they don’t get to see how amazingly supportive and loving my family is and how happy we are because we’re not concerned with how the world sees us.