Breasts, tatas, pillows, speed bumps, fun bags,mammories, gazongas, melons, titties, chest puppies, chesticles, mosquito bites, rib bumpers, bazongas, udders, air bags, bosom, boulders, hooters, and jugs. No matter what you call them, we all have them.

My breasts. I love them…or I did love them. It’s really a rather difficult thing to deal with, breasts. Once pert and near perfect, they now seem to lack the luster of their younger years. As you grow older, and become a mom, you expect certain things. Like grey hair, you expect them to succumb to gravity a tad, form stretch marks, and keep pace with your growing hind end. As women, we learned about these kinds of things while growing up and watching our mothers. We watched their bodies changed in curiousness as we went through our adolescent years and onto the trauma known as the teenage years. But, just like watching a car crash, it’s never what you expect until it happens to you. That’s exactly what my breasts have become, my own person car crash.

I really thought I was prepared to get older. “It’s a piece of cake!” I thought to myself. I smiled, and accepted my grey hair coming in at a rapid pace and the dimples on my butt. It’s all a part of becoming a mature woman. I was READY damn it! Bring. It. ON! Well, my breasts brought it. They brought it with a vengeance. Over time I suddenly found myself having to sort out the truth from the lies when it comes to your breasts and aging.

• After you have children your breasts shrink back.
  • Bullshit. They don’t shrink, they grow. They grow as if you have been slathering them with fertilizer. They will indeed grow to unruly proportions so you will no longer be able to see your feet, and may even end up taking over your entire body.
• One breast will grow slightly larger than the other.
  • I am one bra purchase away from spending a small fortune extra on custom made bras. As it stands now, my left breast is a full two sizes bigger than the right. I have been walking with a port side list for the past two years, and it’s almost impossible for me to lean to the right.
• Over time, gravity will cause your breasts to sag.
  • It will also cause your nipples to point directly at the bathmat when you get out of the shower, and make you feel as if small demons are swinging from them as they try to rip the flesh from your chest.
• The weight of your breasts could cause shoulder pain over time.
  • Have you ever carried a five year old on your shoulders for eight hours? Yup, pretty much the same feeling.
• Breast pain may increase as you get closer to menopause.
  • No shit Sherlock! Although “pain” in not necessarily the general word I would use to describe the sensation I have when taking off my bra during PMS. I might as well turn to Steve and ask him grab a hold of these bad girls and give them an full out yank because that’s what if feels  like when they are “set free”.
• Breasts may become more tender.
  • I’m assuming this refers to “pain”. Please see above. This is a sore subject for me. Pun intended.
• Increased sensation.
  • Bread crumbs in your bra become thorns, and the popped under wire…..well you might as well lob that bitch off because that’s exactly what it feels like. On a positive note, nipple sucking in the heat of the moment…..that’s pretty much my most favorite thing on earth now.

As you can see, my breasts and I hate don’t like each other. It’s a daily struggle to maintain the status quo. I curse them as soon as I stand up in the morning to the time I tuck them back into my armpits at night. In turn, they retaliate with pain and uncharted growth spurts. I miss my toes and dream of running down a white sand beach in a bathing suit without fear of injuring those around me. My breasts are a pain in my ass, and if they keep growing I will be able to wrap them around to my actual ass. I can’t wait. Yet as I sit here in a granny bra I can’t help but worry about them. What if I find a lump? What if they get sick? What would I do if I actually “lost” them?

Breasts are a constant battle for women, they’re too big, they’re too small…….my implant popped, etc.. No matter how frustrated they make you, remember, you have to take care of them. Do a self check every month. Let your doctor have a go at them at your physical. Let your partner have a feel for you. Your breasts are the one thing you can’t feel enough! So, as we lumber through the month of October toward winter, whip them out and give the girls some love. Take five minutes to give them a little squeeze and a rub down. If you feel something suspicious, call your doctor. It’s always better to be safe than sorry when it comes to your breasts. Guys, you should do this too. Breast cancer isn’t sexist. Once you’ve given them some love, you can go back to cursing them. I know I will.