Kids Do Stupid Things…I Make Them

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I ask my kids to do stupid things. I’m a mom, that’s my job, it’s what I do. I understand that kids have an easy enough time embarrassing themselves, but I often feel the need to aid in this process. I blame my mother 100%. The number of times my mother has embarrassed me by showing up at my work dressed in bizarre costumes and acting like a lunatic in public is a number I lost track of long before I even hit 21. I come by it naturally, obviously. Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch because I take serious joy in humiliating my kids, let take a moment to discuss this. Kids are simple and vulnerable. Admit it, they are. Not a single parent, aunt, uncle, or grandparent hasn’t used this fact to satisfy their own comic needs. Grown-ups are pure evil like that, and we love it! We make kids shove marshmallows in their mouth and say “chubby baby”. We make them say “truck” over and over again because it comes out as “fuck”. We make them do silly dances as we record them, and promptly post in on the internet for the world to see.

If we engage our kids in this kind of embarrassment and humiliation while they are young, they end up being well rounded jokers as they get older. In short, they play along! Congratulations, you have just raised a kid who can laugh at  themselves and make light of every day situations. Seriously though, what’s better than that? I love the fact that my kids will now play along with all the stupid things i have running through my head. Granted, my daughter plays along more than my son because she loves attention, but my son now understands what is really going on. He enjoys it, not for the attention, but because it makes people laugh.
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Back to School and Shitty Shoes

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I’m not sure what it is about new shoes that gets kids so excited. You buy them clothes and they shrug it off as they mumble something about “more new clothes, yuck.” You buy them new shoes and it’s like you just brought home rocket boosters. Coolest thing EVER!!! You could have the most tired kid in the world, but as soon as you put new shoes on them, they take off like a rocket. “Look how fast I can go!” “Mommy! Look at how cool l look in these shoes!” I’m pretty sure a new pair of shoes every time I failed as a parent would make me the best mommy in the world.

School starts back up again next week. Praise the lord! Back to school means back to school shopping. Despite upcoming trips threatening to drain my back account, I knew I had to at least get the kids new shoes for school. Especially seeing as how Theo’s current shoes smell like cat piss and cabbage…at the same time. So away we went to go buy new rocket boosters shoes. Naturally that day became the best ever as the kids got to wear the new shoes out of the store (shopping highlight for all kids) AND for the rest of the day. Mind you, this was not until I threatened them both with their lives if they so much as got a speck of dirt on them. “Run, jump, whatever…but get them dirty and you are both done. Got it? Good.”

Both pairs of new shoes made it through the day still looking like new. Mission accomplished. Well done, minions! While folding laundry that night, I kept getting a slight whiff of poop. I knew Pheobe had pooped before she went to bed, so I naturally blamed the odor on her typically pungent poo. The next morning I woke up, went down stairs, and happened to look down at the pile of shoes. There it was. Dog poop. On the bottom of Theo’s new shoes. When I woke him up for the day being the awesome mom I am I whispered to him, “Theo, there’s dog poop on your new shoes.” I’m am fairly certain I have never seen Theo wake up so quickly.

“No way,” he said. “Not my on my shoes. Maybe on Pheobe’s, but not on mine.”

I assured him it was, in fact, on his shoes and walked out of the room. Fast forward a half hour. “Mommy, you were right, there IS dog poop on MY shoes.”

“Told ya so.”

“Mommy, I checked because I thought you were lying to me.”

Because I obviously lie about dog poop all the time. What? “I would NEVER lie about something as serious as dog poop! However, when we get home from camp today, you get to clean it off. Awesome, right?”

Needless to say, he hasn’t worn his new kicks since. Instead they sit by the entryway, quietly and dress neatly next to one another. I can’t figure out if he scared of getting them dirty again, or waiting to completely destroy them the first day of school. With school stating in two days, we shall soon find out.

Did You Know You Have A Hole In Your Butt?

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“Pheobe, did you know you have a hole in your butt?”

“Yeah, duh. Everyone has a hole in their butt, even cats.”

“But did you know that’s where your butt penis is?”

“Um…I don’t have a butt penis.”

“I’m totally joking, it’s where your poop comes out.”

I have nothing else I can add to this except: raising boys.