Back to School and Shitty Shoes

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I’m not sure what it is about new shoes that gets kids so excited. You buy them clothes and they shrug it off as they mumble something about “more new clothes, yuck.” You buy them new shoes and it’s like you just brought home rocket boosters. Coolest thing EVER!!! You could have the most tired kid in the world, but as soon as you put new shoes on them, they take off like a rocket. “Look how fast I can go!” “Mommy! Look at how cool l look in these shoes!” I’m pretty sure a new pair of shoes every time I failed as a parent would make me the best mommy in the world.

School starts back up again next week. Praise the lord! Back to school means back to school shopping. Despite upcoming trips threatening to drain my back account, I knew I had to at least get the kids new shoes for school. Especially seeing as how Theo’s current shoes smell like cat piss and cabbage…at the same time. So away we went to go buy new rocket boosters shoes. Naturally that day became the best ever as the kids got to wear the new shoes out of the store (shopping highlight for all kids) AND for the rest of the day. Mind you, this was not until I threatened them both with their lives if they so much as got a speck of dirt on them. “Run, jump, whatever…but get them dirty and you are both done. Got it? Good.”

Both pairs of new shoes made it through the day still looking like new. Mission accomplished. Well done, minions! While folding laundry that night, I kept getting a slight whiff of poop. I knew Pheobe had pooped before she went to bed, so I naturally blamed the odor on her typically pungent poo. The next morning I woke up, went down stairs, and happened to look down at the pile of shoes. There it was. Dog poop. On the bottom of Theo’s new shoes. When I woke him up for the day being the awesome mom I am I whispered to him, “Theo, there’s dog poop on your new shoes.” I’m am fairly certain I have never seen Theo wake up so quickly.

“No way,” he said. “Not my on my shoes. Maybe on Pheobe’s, but not on mine.”

I assured him it was, in fact, on his shoes and walked out of the room. Fast forward a half hour. “Mommy, you were right, there IS dog poop on MY shoes.”

“Told ya so.”

“Mommy, I checked because I thought you were lying to me.”

Because I obviously lie about dog poop all the time. What? “I would NEVER lie about something as serious as dog poop! However, when we get home from camp today, you get to clean it off. Awesome, right?”

Needless to say, he hasn’t worn his new kicks since. Instead they sit by the entryway, quietly and dress neatly next to one another. I can’t figure out if he scared of getting them dirty again, or waiting to completely destroy them the first day of school. With school stating in two days, we shall soon find out.

Did You Know You Have A Hole In Your Butt?

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“Pheobe, did you know you have a hole in your butt?”

“Yeah, duh. Everyone has a hole in their butt, even cats.”

“But did you know that’s where your butt penis is?”

“Um…I don’t have a butt penis.”

“I’m totally joking, it’s where your poop comes out.”

I have nothing else I can add to this except: raising boys.

Turd Burglar

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Turd Burglar. Go ahead, laugh. You know you want to.

There is something about that phrase that, even as adults, we can’t help but laugh. No matter what definition you use, it’s funny. Even if you don’t know what it means, you laugh. Maybe it sounds funny. Maybe it brings out the 12 year old in you. Whatever it is, you can’t help but giggle. You still giggle at Lake Titicaca as well, admit it. Now, picture yourself driving down the road with the kids in the car. You have a head cold from hell, you’re trying not to throw your kids out the windows you’re frustrated because the head cold is getting the better of you, and you stop at a stop light behind a Dodge pickup truck with the licence plate “TRDBGLR”.

Looking back I’m pretty sure I wasn’t fully paying attention to anything, so when I first saw the licence plate I didn’t really notice. Then it hit me, TURD BURGLAR!!!!!! If it were possible to fall out of a car laughing, I would have. As you know, it is hard to hide anything from anyone kids while in a car, especially when you are laughing so hard you start coughing. Suddenly all arguing and hitting in the backseat stops. “Mommy, what’s so funny?”

On any other day I would have been able to come up with a quick response, but being sick puts a damper on any whit and quick comebacks I may have been able to muster. “Nothing, it’s just the licence plate on the truck in front of us.”

“What does it say?”

“Um……..” Think Brandi, THINK! Nothing. “It says turd burglar.” Well that was a dumb answer.

“What’s a turd?”

“It’s poop.”

Reminder, the word poop is one of the funniest things you can say to a child. It ranks up there with booger, butt crack, penis, and fart. You can only imagine the fits of laughter that exploded from the backseat when I said poop. It then turned into a chorus of the words poop and turd repeated in unison as if it were nothing more than a simple round of Row, Row, Row Your Boat. It only stopped when Pheobe realized she didn’t know what the word burglar meant, and here I thought I was going to get away with turd being another word for poop and that’s it.

“A burglar is someone who breaks into places and steals things.”

“Why would someone want to steal poop?”

There is no way anyone could explain their way out of why someone would want to steal poop. There isn’t even a nonchalant way of explaining it so you don’t really have to explain it. My kids aren’t “old enough” to understand the, um, sexual meaning especially since they still think sex is when two grownups wrestle , and I’m not about to have my kids calling me a turd burglar because I walked in on them in the bathroom.The best I could come up with is, “You’ll understand when you’re an adult. Just DON’T say turd burglar at school!”

“But can we say it now? In the car?”

“If you must.”

The rest of the car ride was spent singing the new phrase while giggling and double checking about why someone would want to steal a turd. I was hopeful that was the end of the turd burglar incident until this morning when Theo leaned over to Pheoebe and whispered, “you’re a turd burglar.” My ride to work was then adorned with the joyful giggles of the unknowing turd burglars in my back seat.

 
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