I’m going to start off with a question. I’ll let you decide if it’s hypothetical or not. What on earth is the purpose of a long skinny knit scarf? Four inches wide and five feet long…why? I guess it could come in handy if you partake in S & M, enjoy the occasional restraint while being sexual aroused, or need a last minute lasso to catch a runaway cow.  I’m also sure a crafty murderess has used her homemade skinny scarves to strangle her prey or to tie her cheating ex husband to a chair. However, aside from the obvious reasons stated above, I see no reason for a long skinny scarf. I have had fears of the scarf getting caught in the paper shredder, accidentally strangling myself as I get tangled on a nearby fence post, or even worse, having the ends fall into the toilet. I see absolutely no valid reason for someone to purchase said scarf, let alone waste their precious time knitting one.  Naturally, with all that being said, I spent four hours of my kid less weekend knitting one.

I’ll have you know that under normal circumstances, I never would have made such a thing. I like my scarves thick, bulky, warm, and useful. However, my mother bought me three skeins of this strange chenille-like pom pom yarn for Christmas. By pom pom I mean large fury testicles. Picture 90’s testicles before manscaping was a thing. Now pretend it’s cold. That’s what these so called “pom poms” feel like. It’s a continuous strand of chenille with a furry testicle every half yard or so. I’m no stranger to testicles, and I do admit they are fun to play with, so knitting a scarf covered in fury testicles shouldn’t be an issue. I was willing. I was ready. I was about to rejoice, when I opened the package. The pattern was for a long skinny scarf. Fuck. Cast on eight stitches; knit six rows; knit another; on the eighth row, knit two, purl four, knit two; repeat the last two rows three times; repeat pattern to the end; ending with six knit rows. Squares, I’m knitting two inch squares into bulky chenille yarn. That’s like drawing in watered down corn starch! No matter what you do, you’re not going to be able to see it. One might look at the scarf after a couple pints and think, “Hmm, it almost looks as if there is a design in there, but it’s probably just a flaw in the stitching.”

Let’s recap, I am about to sit down on a kid less day to knit a long skinny chenille scarf, covered in furry testicles and invisible squares. The only thing that could make this less enjoyable would be having my kids home to torment me as I curse the idiot who came up with this pattern. Enter the skein of yarn. Long and soft with a furry testicle every half yard, all wrapped up into a tight little hank. For those of you non-knitters, you don’t knit directly from a hank, and it usually gets tangled as you undo it and wrap in into a ball. Spoiler alert: You can’t wrap testicle yarn into a ball because it is already covered in balls. Hanks usually get a bit tangled as you undo them. Add testicles and you get a mother fucking shit storm tangled mess of biblical proportions.

Remember how I said earlier I spent four hours knitting this scarf? Well, for those of you thinking I’m a knitting moron for taking four hours on a skinny scarf, two and a half of those hours were was spent untangling the mother fucking shit storm mess of yarn and testicles. A couple times through all this I broke out into a cold sweat as I swore profusely and cursed the makers of the yarn. There was even a dark moment when I felt like I was a character in a Saw movie. I would soon be impaled by a thousand 1mm knitting needles if I didn’t cut off my right hand to escape. This was my hell, and I was living it. I pulled and yanked, twisted and tucked for two and a half grueling hours. By the end of it all I had cut  the yard in three different places, tied it back together, discovered curse words I never knew existed, and contemplated selling my first born to the devil to make the madness end, and wrapped it neatly around the handle of a large basket. Pro tip: Testicles do not like to be shoved through small holes. Take that advice as you will. Alas, I had untangled every last bit of yarn without Steve calling the cops or me strangling myself. So I started to knit. Cast on eight, knit six rows, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Three invisible squares and two testicles in, I’m seeing red. This pattern is stupid, senseless, and a pain in my ass. Who the hell knits squares into chenille? No one! At least no sane person would. So, I started knitting straight through, one row after another, because I just didn’t care anymore. Fuck you testicle yarn and your invisible squares, I’m done! We’re breaking up. Ha! I just taught that yarn a thing or two! I have never been so mad at testicles in my life. By the end of the four hours, the scarf was finished and my frustrations were over. I could now go rope cattle with my long skinny testicle scarf, or tie Steve to the bed in sexual excitement. Instead, I threw the scarf on the floor and drank a beer, of which I drank so fast I didn’t even taste it. The rest of the night was a blur. When I woke up in the morning I remembered I still had two more skeins of testicle yarn. Therefore I recon I will be venturing back out onto the ledge soon, as i can’t just let the yarn sit there and collect dust. Yarn is made to be knit, with or without testicles. However, if you hear of me checking myself into the asylum, you will know it is because the testicles made me do it.

Side note, there will be no invisible squares on the next two scarves, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend an eternity shoving testicles through tight spaces again. It gets tangled? I’m chopping it up into tiny pieces and throwing it in the yard for the birds to make nests out of, testicles and all!