Lap Dance Coupons

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Here I am, a single mom of 2, going to school full time, and ‘working’ not on the street corner smart ass part time on a serious budget. You would think that with all that I would be a serious coupon shopper. Well, you thought wrong. Here’s the deal, I’m kinda picky about what kind of things I put into my body with the exception of booze and very picky about what I put into my kid’s bodies. Things I try to avoid:

  • High Fructose Corn Syrup
  • Saturated Fats
  • Trans Fats
  • Sugar as the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd ingrediant
  • Dyes
  • White Wheat
  • White Rice

So yes, my cupboard is FILLED with ‘health’ and organic foods. My fridge is filled with veggies and fruit. All this ‘good’ stuff costs a pretty penny the penny that I don’t often have. But truthfully, I don’t really mind spending the extra money on things that are going to benefit me and my family. To me it’s a nessesity.

I have to laugh every Sunday as I look through the paper and see all the FABULOUS coupons for things like cookies, frosting, suger-added drinks, and diposible this-and-thats yet another thing I don’t buy due to my ‘Save The Planet’ attitude. There never seems to be coupons for things that are ‘good’ for you. But like I said before, I don’t mind paying full price for my hippy fair. What I REALLY want is coupons for things that I want need. Things that come in handy in the bedroom around the house. So I started a list of said items that I feel need coupons.

  1. Kettle One Vodka, I dislike the cheap stuff but lately that’s what I’ve been drinking.
  2. Captain Morgan, BF can drink his weight in it so it only seems logical to have a coupon.
  3. Beer, I think Billy Currington said it best in “God is great, Beer is good, People are crazy”.
  4. Gas, I really don’t feel like spending my mornings trying to get through to the radio station to win $50 worth of gas. That’s not even a full tank jack fart!
  5. A new car, it is impossible to fit 4 kids and 2 adults in a Malibu legally. Mommy needs new wheels!
  6. Vibrators, I like no, LOVE, these. A lot. I already have quite a collection but would have a LOT more if the ‘good’ ones weren’t $40 or more. And yes, you get what you pay for.
  7. Sex Swing, I’ve always wanted one, but not if I have to pay a couple $100 for one.
  8. Frederick’s of Hollywood, if you’re asking “Huh?” Please refer to 6 and 7….Mommy likes her special time.
  9. Lap Dances, I’m a girl and I like lap dances….judge me all you want.
  10. Boob Jobs, I’ve had 2 kids, both of which literally sucked the life out of my perfect pert breasts which now hang like socks from the clothes line. I just want my nipples to point forward again.

So yeah, I don’t need coupons for cookies or frosting or even my hippy fair. I need coupons for the fun things in life. Note: said fun things don’t happen in front of my kids. So for those of you horrified by my honesty about sex and booze, admit it, you wish you were this honest about yourself.

So off I go to induldge in an ice cold beer and possibly a vibrator. Heck, I might even go to get a lap dance tonight with BF! Cheers!

2 thoughts on “Lap Dance Coupons

  1. my wife and I agree with the coupons for lap dances. imagine if you could get 5 for 20 bucks?

    btw, your cupboard is filled with classy foods….me suspects you are a high class broad afterall


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