I Will Not Be THAT Mom

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Holy cow! I forgot how much spinning fucking sucks hurts. After an hour of jumping in and out of the saddle and cranking up the resistance…..I wanna stab someone my legs feel like flabby jello molds. To make matters worse, it was an hour of the instructor reminding me that I hadn’t been there in months a while.

So now I sit here on the couch feeling like I’m going to die remembering the promise I made to myself when I found out I was knocked up pregnant with Theo, “I will not be THAT mom.” You know, THAT mom who is still blaming her belly on her kids…4 years later. THAT mom who wants to be the heaviest woman in the world. Worst parent ever by the way. And despite a few lazy moments lulls, I have done really well. I have pretty much maintained my military weight standards of 154 pounds. Yes, this sexy mom beast is tipping the scales, but I’m pretty sure its mostly in my boobs…..and my ass…..and my thighs…..and my muffin top. I have been wearing a size 10 to 12 pants for as long as I can remember. I even have a pair from high school that still fit. So yes, I was even big boned curvy in high school. It takes a lot of work to maintain this physique for over 10 years after having devil spawn children!

I can be a bit hard on myself when it comes to my figure. My curves define me. They make me feel sexy. They turn heads. They fuck like rock stars in the bedroom. I honestly and truly LOVE my curves. But boy was I pissed off at myself two weeks ago and noticed a curve I hadn’t seen since right after I had Pheobe. You moms know what curve I’m talking about. That fucking curve that starts at the belly button and ends just above your pelvis…..the fupa. It was flush with my nipple line….I have D cups for crying out loud! I might as well have been 3 months pregnant! Shoot me and put me out of my foopa misery.

So I started going for walks and doing squats  and crunches in my livingroom. Then I decided to go back to the gym. I’m a dumb ass, and I started with cardio kick boxing. Did you know that the thigh tremor that results from a hearty side kick can actually throw you off balance? Or that you can almost knock yourself out with the flab under your arms while doing speed bags? You have been warned. I should also probably warn you that the litter of puppies you smuggled into the gym in your ass cheeks can actually hit you in the back of the head. Maybe that was the skinny bitch behind me. But worst of all, that fucking fupa can and will make a slapping sound when it comes into contact with your droopy D cup mom boobs.

Yeah, good class. Even better is when I went to spin class today after assaulting myself with various parts of my flab cardio kick yesterday. As I said before I now want to stab someone feel like my legs feel like flabby jello molds, my limbs feel like someone tried to quarter me in my sleep last night, I can’t tell if I’m getting a hernia or if that’s an ab muscle I forgot about, and it feels like Ron Jeremy tried to ram it into my right ass cheek completely missing his intended target. In short I feel fucking amazing!!! I love the burn I get from the gym and the piece of mind that I’m setting an awesome example for my children. I love watching my lumpy wobbly bits melt away slowly and be replaced by smooth firmness.

So get off your butts mommies and get into motion! Go for a walk, rake some leaves, ride a bike, get a gym membership, have lots of sex! You don’t have to be a size4. You don’t even have to be a size 10! You just have to feel good in your skin. And trust me, the better you feel in your skin, the more your kids are gonna notice your confidence. And I’m pretty sure that person you curl up to every night is gonna noticed some kind of change as well…..and like it. And the more you both like it….the better your sex life. And seriously, who doesn’t want an amazing sex life? Speaking of which….*looks around for BF*

7 thoughts on “I Will Not Be THAT Mom

  1. I am THAT dad. I blame my gut on my kids, my job, my wife, my neighbors, you, twitter, that other guy, and anyone else that I can push these 15 or so pounds I can’t lose.

    i know how you feel. Although I don’t think you have anything to worry about.


  2. Well I think you look sexy the way you are and its not always what’s on the outside thats attractive it also has a lot to do with what’s on the Inside!


  3. I’m someone who is constantly in-motion, despite being, by the book, obese. Or is that obscene? I don’t remember.

    Anyway, what gets me about spinning is that I’m capable of biking long distances . . . 100+ miles in a day, over significant hills, isn’t out of the question for me. But trying to fit that kind of workout into an hour long class drives me bonkers. I just don’t do “perky,” and I fear all spinning instructors must have some element of perk.


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