Mommy Undressed

Category: Mom Fails

  • Baconator Fries Cause Disappointment and Sadness

    Baconator Fries Cause Disappointment and Sadness

    —

    by

    Brandi
    in

    Dear Wendy’s, It’s a common known fact that women tend to crave certain foods during different points in their lives. When I was pregnant with my son, I craved butter. With my daughter it was sour cream. I may or may not have subjected myself to eating both with a spoon out of a tub. With…

  • No Escalator? No good.

    No Escalator? No good.

    —

    by

    Brandi
    in

    This summer my kids became “world” travelers. Jetsetting across the United States from the East Coast to the West, they quickly adapted to air travel. People bringing them snacks and drinks as they watched movies with their trays down and seats back, life in the sky was good. On the ground they enjoyed the mall-like…

  • Did You Know You Have A Hole In Your Butt?

    Did You Know You Have A Hole In Your Butt?

    —

    by

    Brandi
    in ,

    “Pheobe, did you know you have a hole in your butt?” “Yeah, duh. Everyone has a hole in their butt, even cats.” “But did you know that’s where your butt penis is?” “Um…I don’t have a butt penis.” “I’m totally joking, it’s where your poop comes out.” I have nothing else I can add to…

  • My Vagina’s Pronoun is “She”

    —

    by

    Brandi
    in

    When I talk about my vagina I refer to it as “she” and “her”. I understand this is not “normal” behavior, but it’s my behavior, and I’m ok with that. I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me why I refer to my vagina as her own person. Don’t judge me. My answer…

  • Driving Into The New England Stereotype

    Driving Into The New England Stereotype

    —

    by

    Brandi
    in

    I did it. I hate to admit it, but I did it. I’ve joined the club of soccer moms, obsessed with their kid’s athletic abilities. The moms who delay the drop off/pick up process every day at school. I’ve become a Birkenstock wearing, earth loving, hippie. Someone who covers every last inch of their bumper…

  • Drop Off Line Twats

    —

    by

    Brandi
    in

    I long for the day when the drop off line at school is nothing but a distant memory. When I can sit back and reminisce about all the times I almost got out of my car and stabbed people for treating the drop off line like the entryway to their house. When I can rejoice…

  • I Should Love My Body, But I Don’t

    —

    by

    Brandi
    in

    Reasons I should love my body: I gave birth to two amazing human beings. My curves tell a story. At 35 years old, I still turn heads. Every stretch mark and every sag is there for a reason. My body is mine. It’s the one thing I have complete control over. Reasons I don’t love…

  • Cock Swabs and Steamy Penis Creatures

    —

    by

    Brandi
    in

    I thought raising a penis person would be easy. I mean seriously, what’s there to know? Yes, there’s that whole spontaneous erection thing and wet dreams, but I didn’t think it would be much more than that. Now men, before you get your boxers in a bunch, I want to start off by saying women…

  • Jack and the Penis Stock

    —

    by

    Brandi
    in ,

    I don’t know about other people’s kids, but mine are always chatty on the car ride to school every morning. By chatty I mean they don’t shut up from the moment I start the car to the moment I push them out the door as we slowly drive by their schools. There are mornings when…

  • Dirty Filthy Animal

    —

    by

    Brandi
    in

    As a mom I like to pick my battles. “I’ve already told you not to jump on the couch, and I don’t feel like telling you not to trap your sister in the over-sized bucket. Carry on.” “By all means, eat your sandwich in the bathroom, but whatever you do, don’t draw on the table.”…