Valentine’s Day Bull Shit

Ok, so you hate Valentine’s Day…we get it. Someone pissed in your Cheerios and now you’re all kinds of upset. It sucks to be you, truly. All you have done for the past week is bitch and complain about how single you are, how you won’t get any presents, how stupid the cards are, and how you should show someone you love them all the time. I get it.

What you don’t get is that this day actually means something to some people. However, you shit all over their little heart filled day so you can feel better about your current situation. Let’s take a look at why this day of red, white, and chocolates is so important.

  • Chocolate: Women need chocolate to function much like men need steak. Can we live without it? Sure. Is life better if you give it to us? Abso-fucking-lutely!
  • Cards: They’re dumb and we don’t need them to function like normal humans. However, have you ever noticed how horribly most men describe their feelings? Let’s be honest, 80% of them are shit at it. Therefore…cards. Hallmark does fabu job at putting words in their mouths…words that won’t land them on the couch again this week.
  • Lingerie: What says “I Love You” more than a push-up bra, crotchless panties, and a piece of string up her ass? Pretty much nothing. Don’t deny it, men. If your woman walked into the bedroom tonight wearing see through anything with her nipples showing, you would want Valentine’s Day every fucking day of the year. Also, women rarely get headaches when wearing lingerie. You’re welcome.
  • Flowers: They wilt. They die. Dumb, right? Well, kind of. I’ve said this about flowers before, it’s not the actual flowers that mean something, it’s the act of getting them that means something. It means that someone took a moment out of their busy day, thought of you, and then acted on that thought. That’s pretty fucking cool because how often do people actually ACT on their thoughts? Other than serial killers, not very many people. She doesn’t like flowers? Fine. Whatever. Remember what I said about chocolates?
  • A night out: Sure, you can go out any night and, chances are, you will probably have a better chance getting a reservation at that place she likes any other night as well. Unless, of course, Metallica is in town. But answer me this, how many places are set up to be all romantical shit every other night? That’s right, none. They probably won’t have that Prosecco she likes either. Suck it up, dude, and take her out. You can complain to your fellow penis people about it on the 15th.
  • Oral sex: Steak and a blow job day is on the 15th. I think you can take the plunge into her nether regions for a few minutes on the 14th. She will thank you tomorrow.
  • Sex: I don’t think I have to explain this one, but as a warning, if you don’t do at least one of the things above…you’re probably not getting the sex tonight and you can kiss your steak and a blow job tomorrow goodbye as well. Whispers: Lingerie doesn’t cause headaches.

Basically, all roads lead to sex and sex is important to couples and booty calls and one night stands. Our world revolves around sex. THIS is why Valentine’s Day is so important to some people. Some of us want to get our rocks off tonight. Some of us NEED to get our rocks off tonight! So, while you’re all over there getting pissed off at people for being in love on a Hallmark holiday, remember we’re all just trying to get laid over here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shave my everything because I’m planning on a little V-day lovin’ tonight.

Heathens and Relationships

I love that Steve is such an independent person. He doesn’t need me to coddle him, or do things for him. He is very much a “I’ll do what I want, and I’ll do it on my own, thank you very much” kind of person. Also known as stubborn. I’m typically ok it, and let him do his thing, but the other day…well…I’m not ok with what he did. It broke my heart and caused me rivers of tears behind the closed bathroom door. I sat there with my pants around my ankles in disbelief. What he did was something I always thought happened in everyone else’s house, never mine. The horror of the situation is almost too much to handle, and has left me questioning the future of our relationship. I present to you, exhibit A:

TP

For the past two years, Steve has been hiding the fact that he is a toilet paper heathen from me. His true self has reared it’s ugly head. This I cannot let slide. I will have to address this immediately so as to eliminate the likelihood of it happening again. Wish me luck.

Oysters, Fortresses, And Love

I met a man in my early twenties while shopping at LL Bean. He was, simply put, gorgeous. He had eyes that could reach way down inside of you, and lips you couldn’t help but want to kiss. To my surprise, he asked me for my phone number. A week later we had our first date. I remember being so nervous. Dating wasn’t really my thing it still isn’t, so I had absolutely no idea how to act. Add the fact this guy was a dreamboat, and I was pretty much a blubbering idiot the entire day leading up to that night. Being young, dumb, and a college student, I was beside myself over the fact he was going to come to my apartment and pick me up. Like in a car and shit. Weird, right?

I had never had oysters so he insisted we go to a tiny little oyster bar down on the docks. When we walked in the smell of salt and ice filled my nose as he gently took my hand and lead me across the dimly lit bar. We sat at the bar between two burly fishermen just in from their day. Growing up in a fishing town, in a fishing family, this place felt oddly like home. The sounds. The smells. All coupled with a man I couldn’t take my eyes off of.

We sat bellied up to the bar, eating oysters and drinking beer, for hours. We talked about where we were in our lives. What our hopes were. What had brought us to this point. Conversation came so easy and smooth, as he sat there with his hand on my thigh the entire time. At one point I had explained to him about my rocky sexual past. The rape and molestation, and my inability to form valid physical relationships. I was afraid I was falling into a trend of only wanting to have sex with men instead of getting to know them and forming something meaningful. He took both my hands into his, looked me in the eyes, and said, “Let’s not let you slip away like that. No sex. Not tonight. I promise.”

Shortly thereafter we left the comfort of the salty smell and burly fishermen, and he drove me home. He walked me to my door, and I asked him to come inside. Our date continued as we sat on the couch and talked until we could barely keep our eyes open. I invited him to stay until morning. I felt secure in his words about not having sex, and I wanted to experience what it truly meant to sleep next to someone with no expectations. As we laid in bed, limbs entwined, he pressed his body against mine and kissed me gently. Every ounce of me wanted to rub my body against his, pull his clothes off, and feel him inside me. But he had already said “not tonight”. So we didn’t. We simply rubbed gently against each other and fell asleep.

The next morning he kissed my lips as he walked out the door saying he would call me later.

He never called.

When I saw him a few weeks later at LL Bean he pretended he had no idea who I was. He was polite, but still would not acknowledge that he had ever even laid eyes on me before. I was upset, as most people would be. I had felt something I thought was sincere. Something I didn’t know existed. I was suddenly left standing there wondering if it had all been a dream. I often went back to the oyster bar on the docks, looking for that same comfort I had felt that night. I went there with different men, my roommates, and even by myself. The salty air and the burly fishermen were all still there is the dim lights, but the comfort was not. I’m not sure why, but it took me a long time to get past the feeling of lost hope from that night.

I’m past it now, but there are times I look back and wonder what happened. So smooth and cunning. Easy going and handsome. I’ve never met a man like him since. Not one to that level of comfort I felt anyway. Perhaps it’s from the walls I built up after, or the hardening from military service. Now, however, I’m working on knocking down those walls. I’m working on finding that comfort with someone. I’ve learned it’s not the sex, or the lack there of, it’s the ability to let people in. The ability to be confident enough in yourself to open up without being afraid of the hurt that may follow. We are all our own fortresses, and we guard ourselves well. However, every now and then we have to let someone in because living in a fortress by ourselves can be very lonely. Life is, after all, better spent with love.

Child Haters Don’t Drink Coffee, Obviously

“Having kids means a family has more love and happiness than other people.”

This was according to my eight year old son during his daily morning ramble on the way to school this morning. Naturally, because I am a horrible wonderful mother, I decided to address this grave misunderstanding sentimental view. When I asked for clarification on what he said, he told me that families who decide to have kids are generally happier and love more things than a family without kids. In fact, a family without kids doesn’t actually fall under the category of “family”. Again, because I’m horrible wonderful, I asked, “You know there are people who don’t like kids, right?”

If my son had been driving, we would have been in the ditch for sure. My question brought out a response from him similar to if I had just lobbed a baby deer at his head. Evidently the thought of someone NOT liking kids is completely unfathomable to small children. “Mommy! We are fun, and snuggle, and play with toys…everyone likes kids!”

You guys are also loud, and obnoxious, and messy, and smelly, not to mention expensive! You know how I threaten to eat you in the morning? *shining mom moment* I asked, “That’s how some people feel about kids all the time. You’re lucky I only feel this way about you before I’m done with my coffee or when I’m really tired.”

As per usual, my daughter chimed in with the perfect response, “Maybe those people should just drink more coffee.”

There you have it, child haters, drink more coffee and you’ll like kids.

To My Son On His Birthday

To my son on his birthday,

It’s still hard to believe that just eight years ago you came into my life. A quiet little baby, you were put into my arms; swaddled and still. I promised you on that day I would do everything in my power to protect you and help you grow into a man. I know it hasn’t always been easy, and we don’t always see eye to eye, but you have been my greatest love. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of how wonderful you are, and how lucky I am to be able to call you “son”. As I watch you grow I worry if I’m doing everything I can to teach you what you need to know, and to give you the love and support you need.

As a mother it is hard to let your children venture out into the world when you’re not holding their hand. What if something happens when I’m not around? Do you know what to do? Have I taught you enough for you to get by? The answer is, I don’t know. It’s not because I haven’t taught you, or that you’re not capable of doing it. It’s because the world is ever changing, and I will never be able to teach you everything there is to know about everything. The best I can do is to teach you the difference between what’s right, and what’s wrong; between love and hate; and to follow what you feel is best. It’s up to you to take what I have taught you, and use it in a way that will help you in any situation you may come across. I won’t always be by your side to guide you and hold your hand. I won’t always be there to kiss you goodnight or hug you good morning. But I will always be with you in spirit.

I know you’re only 8 years old, but I want you to remember these simple rules in life. They may not seem like much now (and not nearly as exciting as a new Lego set) but when you get older, they will get you through some of the toughest times.

  1. Always be yourself. Even if you are wearing a uniform alongside a thousand other people, no one can ever be you.
  2. Know who you really are. This may be one of the most difficult things in life to master.
  3. You’re not always right. When you’re wrong, admit it. Admitting you’re wrong is one of the bravest things you can ever do.
  4. Love with your whole heart. It’s going to hurt like hell when you lose love, but you can’t let that stop you from loving completely.
  5. Compliment often. Too many people in this world are too concerned with themselves, and don’t take the time to let others know they care.
  6. Appreciate those around you. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but life is short. You never know when the person next to you will be gone.
  7. Be grateful for what you have. Always want the best in life, but don’t ever lose sight of everything you already have. Life itself is a gift, remember that.
  8. Say “Thank You”. It doesn’t matter if someone gave you a gift or just dusted a fly off your shoulder, say “thank you” and smile.
  9. Never forget where you came from. You can never change it, and it is what makes you who you are.
  10. Say I love you, even when you’re mad. When you wake up (because bringing in a new day with those you love is wonderful), when you go to bed (because one of you might not wake up the next morning), and most importantly, before you leave for the day (because death can come in the blink of an eye, it may be the last thing you ever say to them).

You are becoming such an amazing young man. I hope these rules will help guide you to be even more amazing. Never give up on yourself or stop believing you make a difference. I will love you to the end of time, and back. Happy birthday.

Love always,

Mommy

birthday

Compliments-Pass It On

I have a rule in life, compliment sincerely and compliment often.

We live in a fast paced world that never looks up. Everyone is either too busy or has their nose in some sort of electronic device. We have become self absorbed; distracted by online videos and social media. As we our eyes fixate on the beautiful bodies and scenery dancing across our screens and monitors, we fail to let them fixate on the beauty around us.

When was the last time you looked at your significant other and told them they look good? How about a perfect stranger you passed on the street? It could be something as simple as saying you like their earrings or as unique as you love how their smile lit up the room when they walked in. I used to work in a doctor’s office, coming across cancer patients, pregnant women, the elderly, and every other kind of person. It didn’t matter who they were, what they looked like, or where they were from; I always greeted them with a smile, asked them how they were, and looked for something positive about them. It wasn’t always easy, but 80% of the time I could come up with something.

With almost every compliment I gave out the reply was a look of shock followed by a shy “thank you” and a smile. You would be surprised how much easier a difficult person can be after they are complimented, especially if they aren’t used to it. As time went by, the compliments multiplied. As patients came back for returning visits they would come to my window and compliment me back. The woman in the wheelchair who usually came in complaining about the handicapped parking now came in with a smile saying how nice it was to come in here, and the mom (with two kids in tow) breathed a sigh of relief when I distracted her kids with compliments about they super hero shoes and green magic marker mustache.

One day  co-worker asked me why I gave so many people compliments, and if I really meant them. I told her I didn’t always LOVE their earrings, but there is always something kind of cool about them worth mentioning. As for why I gave out so many compliments, it’s simple: you never know what someone is truly going through. they may have a picture perfect life, or they may be on their shred of hope. Either way, a compliment isn’t going to make their day any worse, the least it can do is carry on that person’s status qua. Besides, a happy person is easier to deal with than a disgruntled person.

We compliment people far to little these days. Now that I have switched jobs, there will be times when it will be two weeks between compliments. I am lucky to be a fairly confident person without a lot of stress in my life, so going a couple weeks without a compliment isn’t going to kill me, but what about that person you’ve never noticed before? How long has it been since they received a compliment?

I make it a point to compliment at least three different EVERY day, not including once a day for my kids and Steve. So, go ahead, try it. Slow down for a second and look up. Compliment someone you pass by. Tell them you like their hair, their necklace, or shirt. If they brush you off, try someone else. Try this three times every day for a week. It might not show, but you just made a positive difference in their life. Besides, there’s no better way to feel good about yourself than helping others feel good about themselves. Happy complimenting peeps! Enjoy!