Today I found out that some friends *we will call them M and J* are expecting their first critter baby in January. As I stood there looking at the excitement and horror on M’s face I couldn’t control myself and blurted out, “I see my birth control blog didn’t work for you.” And I said it to J as well when she called not too long after. She laughed…she’s obviously so overcome with pregnancy hormones that she has no idea what I really said.

I should clue you in to the fact that J is an avid reader of this blog. I thought that by now I would have scared her away from ever procreating, I guess I was wrong. Maybe what I should have been blogging about was all the fun and exciting things that happen during that make you want to gouge your eyes out and have your baby daddy imprisoned for trickery do it over and over again! However, its a little too late. Instead I have decided to make a bit of a survival guide for M and J. So sit back and relax you two crazy kids, you’re in for the ride of your life!

So J, here are some things your mother didn’t tell you:

1. Pregnancy to 10 months long. The ass hat who told the world it was 9 months was probably paid by Russian spies to completely disrupt the flow of a happy marriage. Or it could just be some politician trying to gain votes. Either way, that person should be hunted down and tried for perjury.
2. You know that gooy little snail trail you get when you’re ovulating? Be prepared to have it the ENTIRE time you’re pregnant! And twice as bad. But don’t worry, no matter how bad it gets, there is not a colony of snails living in your knickers…it is totally normal.
3. At some point in time you are going to be walking down the street and its going to feel like Chuck Norris side kicked you in the ass…it is not, however, Chuck Norris gracing you with his mad karate skills, its actually that little snot buddle of joy taking up prime real estate on your sciatic nerve. *Warning: there is no amount of manipulation that will get that baby to move. Many have tried, all have failed.*
4. Your boobs are going to get massive! Not just a size or two, more like 3 or 4 sizes. The Titty Fairy is very generous when it comes to size, but a miserable bitch when it comes to sensitivity. They are going to hurt in ways you never imagined. It’ll wake you up in the middle of the night. And to top it all off, you’re going to pass a crying baby, feel your boobs get warm, look down, and notice that the entire front of your shirt is now soaking wet. Congratulations, you are lactating.
5. Stay away from comedy clubs. Although laughing is good for your health and improves your life expectancy, it will make you pee. Right there. In your pants. There is no amount of kegals that can prevent this once there is a 2 pound human using your bladder as a bean bag chair. *side note: They do not make adult diapers in maternity sizes*
6. I’m sure you have great ankles, and they probably look amazing in heals. Say good bye to them for the last few months of your pregnancy. Not that you’ll be able to see them anyway. They will soon disappear into the wonderment known as kankles.
7. You were always taught to lift with your legs, not with your back. You have no idea just how true this rule of thumb is. Not only are you not going to be able to bend down to pick anything up, but squatting down isn’t going to be an option either. You’ll soon have to learn moves that would make world class hacky sack players jealous. It’s amazing just how many things you are actually able to pick up ‘with’ your legs and pass on to your hands without ever having to put your hands near the ground. Start practicing now, you’re gonna need it.
8. Sex. All those fun positions you got to play with while making a baby, forget about them. There are now only 2; on your side and doggy style. I should add that as your belly and breasts get bigger, you will have to nest your belly in a pile of pillows and wear a sports bra when engaging in any sex act with the exception of trips down south to avoid knocking yourself out or over from the sheer momentum. *think of a swinging penjulum…that’s your belly and boobs*
9. “While pregnant it is best to sleep on your left side to improve circulation to you and the baby”…….horse shit. First of all you won’t be sleeping. You’ll be convinced that you are not about to give birth to a perfect little baby but some nocturnal animal that enjoys gnawing on your internal organs. Secondly, if you can figure out how to sleep on your left side and be comfortable, please write a book so that future mothers may do so. I hope you have a comfortable couch or arm chair, you’ll be sleeping sitting up for a while.
10. Finally, there will be times when you will want to tie hubs up in a dark closet with big hairy spiders and scorpions so that he may get a taste of the discomfort and misery you feel, or assist him in taking a long walk off a short pier for ever agreeing to do this whole baby thing. Both of these are not recommended and, depending on the state, be considered illegal. Remember, these feelings will pass and you will be very happy you kept him around come the 4th diaper change in the middle of the night.

Now for you M! Please pay close attention and make sure J does NOT read past this sentence…..

Seriously J, you need to go feed the cats or something. It’s not that I don’t love you, but M and I need to have a little chat.

Is she gone yet? Good.

M, you only have to remember one thing, and one thing only:

Right now she is completely bat shit crazy!!! Her body has been hijacked by an alien that will come out disguised as your baby in January. There is absolutely nothing you can say that will make anything better or make her feel good. You need to start a savings account that will only go towards ‘I’m Sorry Flowers’ even though you know you were right and whatever food she is craving that week. Now, more than ever, when she says jump you say ‘How high….and for how long?” I promise you that you will have your wonderful sweet wife back in about a year (after the pregnancy and post partum  hormones wear off). Please hang on and know you are not the only man to experience the poltergeist version of their wife. You have a masters degree…..you can do this!

(She can come back into the room now)

So that’s it my friends. Life as you know it has only just begun. Your hearts are about to grow 5 times bigger, your cheeks are going to hurt from smiling, and your eyes will hurt from crying. It’s the best and worst of times, and the first baby only happens once. J, enjoy how your body grows and changes with each day and how beautiful every pregnant woman is. Remember, you are BOTH pregnant, it is a wild ride for both of you. I can’t imagine a baby more blessed than this one to get 2 amazing people as parents. I wish you both the best of luck, joy, and happiness. So amazingly happy for you both. Congratulations.