I don’t believe anyone who tells me that thier first kiss ever was magical or first time having sex for that matter. I just don’t think it exsists much like men who go Jarod. So if you tell me you had the perfect ‘first kiss’ I’m going to assume you are also a chronic lier.

My first kiss was horrible. If it had been in front of a panel of judges it would have scored no less than an 8.5. It was the spring of 1992, his name was Zack Bishop (not his real name). He was dressed in tight stone washed jeans, scrunch socks, ripped Guns ‘n’ Roses tee, and high topped LA Gears complete with the tongue out and floresant laces…and I can’t forget the curly mullet. My taste in men has improved significantly since then. I should add that Zack had lips like Jay Z, you know, it looked as if he had made out with a vacuum cleaner hose….and lost.

I had visions of my first kiss being on a warm summer’s day with Brian Adams’ “Everything I do (I do it for you)” playing softly in the background. At 13 I truly believed that you could actually set these things up to be perfect. The word ‘idiot’ now comes to mind.

It was recess don’t judge me. Zack and I walked to the far end of the soccer field, where all the cool kids went to make out. Pure romance, I know. When we got out there no time was wasted. He took me into his arms, in a Fabio like fashion……that’s bull shit. He stood looming over me and then shoved his tongue into my mouth and down to my stomache. I was pretty sure I was going to throw up in his mouth. Luckily I didn’t.

Over the next three days everytime I thought about that mauling kiss I gagged. I couldn’t for the life of me get that feeling out of my throat. And for the next month every kiss from Zack was just like that. I learned by the end to make sure I didn’t eat anything for at least 30 minutes before a make out session. Zack ended up leaving me for an older ‘woman’. She was 15, I was 13. Needless to say I was a shell shocked the next time I kissed someone…2 years later. Had my first sex experienced been that bad I would probably be a nun.

But I have to thank Zack Bishop for those gag inducing kisses. I truly believe that it is because of him that I don’t have a gag reflex. So thank you Zack, for everything. I’m sure that who ever you’re with today is extremly skinny due to you inducing vomit and you are both very happy.