My New Resume

Well, I’m doing it again, I’m graduating from college. Now don’t get too excited and start congratulating me for being so awesome doing this whole college thing while training my minions to take over a small country preferably Luxemburgm so I have easy access to larger countries such as France. It’s another Associates degree for crying out loud people! It’s like calling all CVS employees a pharmacist. So despite obviously being smothered in awesome sauce as is evident in everything else I do this ‘degree’ isn’t really a big deal. This is what an Associates in Science says to employers:

  • Wow, you have at least a hint of ambition.
  • You’re over qualified to be a mail clerk.
  • You’re under qualified to be a mail clerk supervisor.
  • You probably qualify to be the one writing this job posting, but we already gave it to the mail clerk…the position you’re over qualified for.
  • We’d like you to go get some more schooling so you can apply again and we can tell you that you’re over qualified for even more jobs.

And this is how it goes with the whole job search thing when you’re lucky enough to have earned not one, but two Associates degrees. Even if you happen to score an interview with an employer they tend to ask you what you plan on getting your Bachelor’s degree in. My answer? “Well you see, I know I’m applying to be an office manager in your chiropractic office that specializes in health and wellness, but I’m planning on getting my bachelors in general studies again (because the slack ass school I’m applying to will take any credits under the sun). It won’t be until I go for my masters that I’ll actually decide on something useful. I was thinking something in public relations, you know the profession that I’ll be too old for”. So yeah, my job search experience is going great thus far.

I’ve been working on my resume for the past year, you know, trying to be fully prepared for this whole job search thing. But I have to be honest with you, I suck at playing myself up on a professional level. Why, you ask? But wasn’t I in the military for over 7 years? Didn’t I do this whole ‘professional’ then? The answer, yes i was…..was being the key word. So then I got to thinking, why can’t I do a resume the way I want to? You know, without all the ‘why my shit doesn’t stink’ crap? Why can’t I list my real life strengths and weaknesses? You know, reality tv but on paper! Who says I can’t do that? Don’t employers want that person who sticks out? Don’t they want that missing link? Not the missing link between ape and human. Well, I believe that is what they want….and I’m gonna give it to them! So hold onto your seats employers, here comes mommy and it’s not gonna be pretty!

Name: Brandi “Mommy Undressed” Vassiliou

Address: I don’t own, I rent. Translation, I need your money so I can pretend to be an adult and put a permanent address here.

Past Work Experience:

1. According to most I haven’t had a ‘real’ job in almost 3 years. However, I’ve been helping U.S. military veterans get their education benefits in order. For those of you who don’t actually know any veterans, let me fill you in on a few quirks we have:

  • we tend to be stubborn as hell a bit difficult.
  • we want things to be black and white not this grey area bull shit.
  • we want things done our way instantaneously.
  • due to PTSD and TBI sudden movements and loud banging noises will do nothing but piss us off and most likely end with you in a choke hold.

So now you tell me, who hasn’t had a ‘real’ job in the past 3 years?

2. I may have just mentioned that I’m a veteran. US Coast Guard for over 7 years baby! *chest bump* So no, I didn’t go play in the sand box or drive around in armored vehicles or get shot at daily. And now you’re going to sit there and tell me how the Coast Guard isn’t the real military and doesn’t even fall under the DoD, blah blah blah. Grab a life jacket, you’re about to go down bitch! Here’s what I did while in the Coast Guard:

  • You know those cool little harbor markers that tell you where to go so you don’t run aground in your fancy little boat saving you thousands of dollars and your life? I helped to maintain those by pulling them out of the water, scraping all the crap off of them, replacing chains, sinkers, lights, bells, you name it. You’re welcome.
  • Remember that drug bust a few years back? That one that pissed off a whole bunch of dealers and South American Drug Lords? Yeah, that one. You’re welcome.
  • Or how about all those Russians that were fishing illegally and taking away from US based fishing? Remember that when I chased them all the way back to Russia all the while they were trying to ram into the ship I was on to try and sink us? You’re welcome.
  • Let’s not forget the numerous DIW boats towed to safety, people stranded in the water after their boat sank, or the hundreds of young minds I helped to shape into outstanding Coast Guard men and women. Again, you’re welcome.

So the next time you want to sit there and tell me all the ways the Coast Guard ‘doesn’t count’ think about how many times I saved your ass and you didn’t even know it.

3. I’m a mom. A single mom at that. On a daily bases I threaten to eat my children, ponder renting them out as a birth control method for young teens, teach them how to burp, fart, and spit properly, teach them basic military commands, and run a tight schedule of meal and bed times. My kids answer when I call them minions and understand that when I say “up over the wooden hill” it means its bedtime. It’s how I roll, and I roll quite nicely.

Competencies:

  • Over 5 years experience dealing with stupid people in customer service.
  • The ability to switch from snarky bitch to professional in the blink of an eye.
  • If I’m not stressed I’m not motivated. Therefore if I’m not stressed nothing is getting done.
  • I’m one crafty mommy! I ran out of room in my closet for craft stuff and already started the craft invasion of DS’s closet.
  • I can’t really cook but I can make one heck of an egg sammich!
  • I say sammich, not sandwich because I’m in my 30’s and don’t want to grow up yet.
  • I make a mean cocktail! All you need is one…trust me;)
  • I fart.
  • I burp.
  • I’m covered in awesome sauce.
  • If given the chance, I’m pretty sure I could do your job better than you can and faster.

Professional Summary:

I don’t bull shit anyone and tell it how it is, how it was, and how its going to be. I don’t miss much that goes on around me, and will call you out if I notice you doing something wrong. I’m not a snitch unless you don’t straighten yourself after I already told you once to stop. I like to have fun, both at work and at home. I believe that if you can’t have fun at work, you’re pretty much wasting your time. I know how to be professional when the situation calls for it, but I’d much rather put a smile on someone’s face or giving out free hugs. I’m a lover not a fighter, but I’m not afraid to advocate and fight for those who can’t stick up for themselves. I’m a pro choice, redneck, wiccan, hippy, republican with a soft spot for gay rights. If you don’t hire me you’ll be missing out on a whole other world that can only improve your business and way of life.

6 thoughts on “My New Resume

  1. I literally love the way you write.

    Coast Guard is, totally, military service.

    And I’d hire you. You know, if you weren’t a bazillion miles away. I’m actually in the market for a programmer, but I want someone snarky who can write. The java skills are secondary.

    Like

  2. Some years ago, my cousin went into work and found that all of her hours for the next week had been cut. Somewhat despondent, she went to a local bar and began sketching out her resume on a cocktail napkin. A woman seated next to her at the bar took notice. “You know,” she said, “It looks like you’re updating your resume. I’m in HR: I look at resumes nearly all day, every day. I’d be happy to give you some advice, if you like.” My cousin happily slip over the small pile of assembled napkins.
    After a little review, the woman slid them back. “This looks pretty good,” she said, “but there’s nothing that stands out. You have to remember, I look at these all the time. You want something that’s going to really make you seem special, that’s going to make me remember you.”
    “Yeah,” piped up her husband, sitting next to her and somewhat drunk, “Something like: ‘big tits, small nipples.'”

    Like

  3. Awesome! To the point no holds bared! But you forgot one thing in the CG you also did.

    Navigated a 300 and something foot ship in and around the pacific ocean .

    Like

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