I understand that I’m unique
I get that. And I understand that I don’t always ‘get’ what the average American gets. I don’t understand so many of the fads, and I sure as hell don’t understand the big whoop-to-do about most some of the artists. I’ve had it over with a couple of girlfriends about this, and I’m pretty sure BF has pretended to pay attention to me on this subject. So I have finally decided to come to terms with what I really don’t get and think y’all are insane for actually liking and explain my stance to the masses.
WARNING: I’m about to offend many people. It doesn’t mean I’m a racist, a sexist, or a complete
fucking moron. It just means that I’m not afraid to admit that I’m looking at y’all like you’re the cray ones….not me. So here goes…..
1. Brad Pitt…..honestly people, he looks like a hobo every time he hits the red carpet. It’s the red carpet for crying out loud! Get a
fucking hair cut! If my my son has to get one twice a year, once for picture day and the other just to make me feel better, then he can sure as shit clean up a bit for America.
2. Natelie Portman……eat a cheese burger…and some fries… Every awards show she gets skinner. Pretty sure that by 2015 she will be nothing but a dress….but a very pretty dress I’m sure.
3. George Clooney….Sorry ladies, he’s not that hot. In fact he often looks as if he has smelled something bad. Also, the same facial expression for the past few movies since ‘Oh, Brother Where Art Tho’ has grown old. I get it George, you’re really good at looking perplexed and as if something is goosing your bum…..next.
4. All Tom Hanks movies….with the exception of BIG. You can only watch them once. That’s it. Other than the ‘surprise’ at the end, there is absolutely nothing different’ about them. And once you’ve watched them, you can’t watch them again. The endings aren’t going to change. He’s still going to talk to the damn volley ball and he will only ever get to pee without pain if some guy with moths flying out of his mouth looks at him funny. Something new and thought provoking would be nice Tom. I would would love to buy a movie other than BIG and Philadelphia on DVD with you in it. Just saying.
5. Jennifer Lopez……Before having twins she was becoming washed up. Marring a zombie sealed the deal. Now she’s dating a 20-something-year old as if society has no idea that postpartum hormones have everything to do with it. Also, you’re a mother of twins….perhaps a song all about drinking and partying isn’t the best idea. Go home. Put your boobs to good use.
6. Ben Stiller….other than the whole ‘Meet The Fockers’ series has he actually done anything funny and/or memorable? No? I rest my case. Next!
7. All the female characters from Glee…I understand that you think you’re all divas, but you’re not. You would pretty much all suck if not for AutoTones…..You’re not Whitney, you’re not Dionne, you’re not Maria….after the show we will all forget about you. You’re welcome.
8. Michael Jackson…his glove glittered.
Glitter is my favorite color. His pelvis was more active than Elvis. Ok, I get that. But seriously….what’s the big deal? Really….I don’t get it. Madonna (old school only)…I get it. Violent Femmes…I get it. Cake…I get it. I even get Bijork….well maybe not. But I really don’t get the big to-do when he died. I also don’t get the constant re-showing of every part of his life. He was cool. I get it. He’s no where close to what Elvis was…Neverland will never be Graceland and I’m pretty sure some lady down south will ever see him in a piece of toast like Jesus. Let him rest people, let him rest.
So there you have it, 8 things I just don’t get. So y’all can keep your anorexic women, hobo sheek actors, and AutoToned divas…I’m going to go eat a cheese burger, sing out of tune to folk music, and watch old Woody Allen movies.