Physically Stuck in a Rut

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I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve done nothing but beat myself up, wondering why the people in my life are here and why people who have left, left.
I can’t look at myself in the mirror without feeling as if I don’t physically recognize the person looking back at me. I hate how I feel when I walk and even more so when I sit.
Every woman I see, especially online, is hands down better physically than me. I look at them in wonderment and beat myself up for not having that tight body anymore. I’ve let myself become the woman I never wanted to be.
I’m not writing this to get the attention. I’d actually prefer not having all the “but you’re beautiful” comments. This is just how I’ve been feeling throughout the summer and I need to get it out of my system before it eats me up from the inside.
I’ve reached the point of not being able to consider myself pretty. I don’t see a woman’s face looking back at me, I see a man’s. My body has been hijacked by a thick layer of fat. Parts jiggle that have never jiggled before. My thighs are covered in dimples. I can no longer hide the weight in my arms as the also jiggle and dimple.
The role model I wanted to become for kids is not the role model I’ve become. I’m beyond blessed to have a BF who loves me for who I am and, for some reason, still wants to have sex with me even after this sudden 15 pounds. But I can’t help but look at all these women around us and wonder if he secretly wishes I was back where I was a year ago.
I’ve been beating myself up for months and I can’t seem to stop. It’s hard to get back into working out and eating right when 11 hours of your day is spent work related and the other hours doing housework or even sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. My motivation to get back into shape is next to nothing. I wake up in the morning thinking it’ll just be easier to let myself go than get my body back.
It’s safe to say I’m depressed. I feel there’s no way out in the weight battle for me. I feel stuck and gross. I need to turn this all around but I can’t seem to find oomph I need to kick it into gear.

6 thoughts on “Physically Stuck in a Rut

  1. Well too bad your going to hear it. Your beautiful baby I love you for you. The sex is amazing now as it was a year ago. You work hard and as such when you can you take a well deserved rest. We can do this together and doing this together we will grow even closer and stronger. The women on the net are beautiful and look! Your on the net with all those hot avi’s and self portraits. I’m proud of who you are and what we’ve become.


  2. I don’t know what to say that might be meaningful other than I hope you find a way through this.

    There are many platitudes to write but the change has to start with yourself. Stop comparing your insides to other people’s outsides, maybe? Find a way to take care of yourself as you work the two jobs, raise children, have a relationship, in this world. It’s just a grind and I hope you find your way out of it.

    I do have one funny that I hope will cheer you up…

    You ready…..

    You’re taking this Josh Beckett trade way to hard….

    All the best. We’ll be pulling for you.


  3. I swear there’s something in the air. I’ve been in an awful funk. Wish I had an answer. Just know that no matter what jiggle you see, it’s OK. It’s a part of life and just another challenge to overcome (whether losing the jiggle or finding the place where you’re comfortable). You’re a strong woman, and I think you’re awesome. Love you!!!!


  4. You may actually be relating to this day and the memory of events past as well. But today is the day to change, not tomorrow, so pick something you do and don’t want to, anything, and change it.


  5. I hate that feeling . . . as a penised human, I have fewer pressures to look good. In fact, there are some who think that men are “supposed to be beefy,” but, when I look in the mirror, I often see a disgustingly fat man looking back at me, and I have no idea why anyone ever finds me attractive.

    What I can tell you is that I love seeing the interaction between you & your boyfriend. I love seeing that you’re loved. And I’ll hope you’re out of this funk as quickly as I can manage to shake my own.


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