I have 2 friends expected to give birth quite early in the New Year so I feel that I have to follow up my Pregnancy Survival Guide . Those of you who have been through it know, it sucks. Honestly, even those ‘in touch with themselves’ hippy types (referring to myself) will tell you that there are certain parts of childbirth that flat out suck. Yes, you just made a tiny human in your own little incubator and then pushed it out with every last bit of energy. Yes you just made a new life with the man you love…or hate…or don’t even know…or at a party…or through other means so that you and your partner can enjoy the love of parenting..or whatever. The fact is, you’re about to give birth to a tiny human who will end up calling you mommy and demand every last bit of patience you built up in your entire lifetime.

So here’s what I feel you need to know before you push that tiny human out.

*DISCLAIMER: I know that everyone’s childbirth experience is different. If you are upset, offended, pissed off that mine was so short, or disagree with my experience please feel free to write your own blog about it and I will gladly let you guest blog here for my friends to see.*

For her:

• I’m a naturalist…well almost. I typically stay away from processed food, artificial colorings, blah blah blah. I tried to stay active throughout both of my pregnancies which is probably why both minions came screaming out 3 weeks early. This meant NO EPIDURAL!!! No pain meds, before or after. Let me tell you this, constipation which I have often, broken bones, and cigarette burns have nothing on the pain of child birth. Ouch.
• When your water breaks, especially if its your first time, don’t rush to the hospital….but don’t sit down and have a turkey sub with horseradish sauce and bacon either. You’ve got time. My water broke with Theo 5 hours before he arrived. After eating that turkey sub, which I’ll get back to later, I went and took a nice long shower then did my hair and makeup. <=good suggestion. *WARNING: Doing your hair and makeup immediately before childbirth does nothing in the long run. You still end up looking like a soggy dish towel that’s been used to clean your car’s wheel wells.*
• After your water break…..DON’T EAT ANYTHING!!! With Theo I had that fucking turkey sub. With Pheobe I had peanut butter and crackers. A word to the wise, horseradish sauce and peanut butter feel about the same coming up while you’re trying to push out a tiny human, do NOT eat them!!! My suggestion, water….and maybe jello. Just not red jello. I’m not going into any more detail about red jello, you’ll have to use your imagination for that. It’s red, enough said.
• If your doctor tells you that you have to stay in bed with every damn machine the hospital has to offer,unless its for high risk out of the ordinary stuff obviously…or a c-section tell them to go to hell. Walk it out! Go ahead, they have railings on the walls in the maternity ward for a reason, for you to try to rib off while having a contraction! Duh! Just don’t have the baby in the hallway.<=another good suggestion
• If you think that you’re going to be all about getting up and walking to the hospital nursery which is nothing like the ones in the movies, think again. With Pheobe I had 23 stitches vaginally. I didn’t want to sit upright. Even with the 7 I got with Theo, walking around anywhere was not at thetop of my list. They make the hospital bissinets with wheels for a reason, let them wheel that sucker in to see you. It’ll be one of the last times anyone will be more than willing to wait on you.

For him:

• Whatever you do, don’t take an obscene amount of pictures while your woman is pushing the tiny human out…unless of course you like the feeling of a camera shoved down your throat.
• While mommy is in labor is NOT a good time to call your entire family and all your friends to tell them that she is labor. Unless of course you like the feeling of your cell phone shoved down your throat.
• Yes…she will poop while pushing. My advise, don’t tell her immediately afterwards. Honestly, at that point in time she couldn’t give a shit less.<=good suggestion
• The placenta is gross. Look away and pretend its not there.
• Remember, the hand you usually use to hold her hand on romantic walks? Do NOT let her hold it!!! Unless of course you were wondering what its like to shake Superman’s hand.
• Stay calm. We all understand that the tougher you guys are the harder you fall, but this is the one time you need to prove her wrong. No fainting, no vomiting, and no leaving the room for air.
• You can cry. It’s allowed. Cry all you want dude. You helped make this baby too…or not…maybe you just put up with the pregnancy hormones which can be horrible. Even if you’re the toughest guy on the planet you’re allowed to cry. Let it out. No one is going to make fun of you.

So that’s about it. The rest you’ll have to learn on your own. It’s such an amazing experience and, like you losing your virginity, the first time only ever happens once. It’s hard to believe while its happening that you’ll ever love the actual act of giving birth, but you’ll see. Every time you look into the eyes of that beautiful baby you’ll be forever grateful for everything you just went through because it was 100% worth it.

Please remember that if you experience postpartum depression, you are not alone. Countless numbers of us have been through the same thing. Some of us twice. It’s not easy looking at your baby and feeling the feelings you feel with PPD. Just know that those of us who have been through it are here to help you and that there are support groups for it. Talk to your doctor and get help as soon as possible. Your baby deserves 100% of you. And to the other halves, you don’t nessesarily need to ‘understand’ PPD but you do need to support her through it. Just remember that this too shall pass. Your perfectly planned family is right there waiting for you.

Good luck to all the new mommys and daddys this year!